Carnival Players Club Win/Loss Statements - Carnival

Welcome to Lost in the Sauce, keeping you caught up on political and legal news that often gets buried in distractions and theater… or a global health crisis.
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Election shenanigans

I put the latest info on Trump's phone call to Raffensperger in this comment.

According to experts, Trump’s conduct has potential criminal exposure:

A federal statute makes it a crime when one “knowingly and willfully … attempts to deprive or defraud the residents of a State of a fair and impartially conducted election process, by … the procurement, casting, or tabulation of ballots that are known by the person to be materially false, fictitious, or fraudulent under the laws of the State in which the election is held.”
A Georgia statute similarly provides that a “person commits the offense of criminal solicitation to commit election fraud in the first degree when, with intent that another person engage in conduct constituting a felony under this article, he or she solicits, requests, commands, importunes, or otherwise attempts to cause the other person to engage in such conduct.”
…The hard part for prosecutors would be proving Trump’s state of mind, because the statutes require proof of knowledge and intent. Prosecutors would have to show that Trump knew that Biden fairly won the election, and Trump was asking for Georgia officials to commit election fraud. And it’s not clear prosecutors could make that case.

At least 12 Republican senators plan to challenge Biden’s Electoral College win on Jan. 6, when Congress is set to officially count the votes. The effort is being led by Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Tex.) and includes Sens. Ron Johnson (R-Wis.), James Lankford (R-Okla.), Steve Daines (R-Mont.), John Kennedy (R-La.), Marsha Blackburn (R-Tenn.), and Mike Braun (R-Ind.), as well as new Senators Cynthia Lummis (R-Wyo.), Roger Marshall (R-Kan.), Bill Hagerty (R-Tenn.), and Tommy Tuberville (R-Ala.). Separately, Sen. Josh Hawley (R-Missouri) is pursuing a similar plan.

"Congress should immediately appoint an Electoral Commission, with full investigatory and fact-finding authority, to conduct an emergency 10-day audit of the election returns in the disputed states. Once completed, individual states would evaluate the Commission’s findings and could convene a special legislative session to certify a change in their vote, if needed," the senators said in a joint statement. “Accordingly, we intend to vote on Jan. 6 to reject the electors from disputed states as not ‘regularly given’ and ‘lawfully certified’ (the statutory requisite), unless and until that emergency 10-day audit is completed."

Their plan is not going to succeed in preventing Biden from taking office, as majorities in both the House and the Senate would need to support a challenge against a state’s electoral votes. For an objection to be made, at least one member of both the House and Senate would need to submit it in writing. Then, the House and Senate separately convene to consider the issue. Debate is limited to two hours for each objection. After debate concludes, the House and Senate vote to uphold the objection and throw out the state’s votes. If the majority of the House AND the majority of the Senate does not uphold the objection, the state’s electoral votes are counted as cast.

• Vice President Mike Pence’s role is simply to preside over the joint session, opening and presenting the certifications from each state. In his absence, the Senate pro-tempore Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa) will lead the session. At the end of the process, the presiding officer announces who has won the majority of votes for president and vice president.

The most immediate danger from Trump and Cruz’s doomed election gambit is rightwing terrorism and general violence: Trump, in particular, is inciting his supporters to swarm D.C. on Jan. 6. “JANUARY SIXTH, SEE YOU IN DC!” Trump tweeted last week. Four rightwing rallies are scheduled, including one headlined by George Papadopoulos and Roger Stone.
The Proud Boys and other extremists are planning to attend the rallies and may set up an “armed encampment” on the National Mall, according to the Washington Post. On social media platform Parler, the leader of the Proud Boys said that members will be there “incognito” and may “dress in all black” to impersonate leftwing protestors.

Enrique Tarrio: "The ProudBoys will turn out in record numbers on Jan 6th but this time with a twist...We will not be wearing our traditional Black and Yellow. We will be incognito and we will spread across downtown DC in smaller teams."

Rep. Louie Gohmert has more explicitly tried to incite violence, saying the failure of his legal challenge to the election means “you gotta go the streets and be as violent as Antifa and BLM.” (clip)

• At the same time, pro-Trump lawyer Lin Wood suggested that Pence could “face execution by firing squad” for “treason” if he doesn’t go along with the attempt to subvert the election.

Obstructing the transition

Biden’s transition director has accused the Office of Management and Budget of stonewalling the incoming administration’s team. OMB Director Russ Vought is not allowing key staff to meet with the transition team to help prepare the president-elect’s first annual spending plan, a move that could delay major proposals. Vought pushed back on the charges, saying that his agency needs to focus on finalizing the Trump administration’s regulations before the president leaves office.

“OMB leadership’s refusal to fully cooperate impairs our ability to identify opportunities to maximize the relief going out to Americans during the pandemic, and it leaves us in the dark as it relates to Covid-related expenditures and critical gaps,” [Biden transition Exec. Dir. Yohannes] Abraham said.

Earlier last week, Biden himself said Trump officials are not cooperating with his team, singling out the Defense Department for obstructing information on crucial national security issues. “Right now, we just aren’t getting all the information that we need from the outgoing administration in key national security areas. It’s nothing short, in my view, of irresponsibility,” Biden said. The Defense Dept. finally scheduled meetings with the incoming team this week, after not briefing the transition for weeks.

• The timing of the resumption in meetings is notable because it comes after the one year anniversary of the U.S. assassination of Iranian Maj. Gen. Qassem Soleimani on Jan. 3. NATO officials are reportedly worried about the lack of coordination from the Trump administration: "We need the incoming Biden administration to be fully briefed and ready to deal with these very dangerous issues facing NATO's security."

Sabotaging the Biden Administration

U.S. Agency for Global Media CEO Michael Pack is taking steps to keep control of Radio Free Europe and Radio Free Asia during the Biden administration. As chairman of the boards of Radio Free Europe and Asia, Pack and his fellow members have added binding contractual agreements that will make it impossible to remove him or other pro-Trump allies from the board in the next two years.

In other words, although President-elect Joe Biden has already signaled he intends to replace Pack as CEO of the parent agency soon after taking office in January, Pack would maintain a significant degree of control over the networks.

The State Department is likely to designate Cuba as a state sponsor of terrorism “as an 11th hour effort to create hurdles for the incoming Biden administration.” The label, which requires the approval of Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, would undo a major accomplishment of the Obama administration. To take Cuba back off the list, the Biden team would need to conduct a formal review, a process that might take several months.

Such a designation would impose restrictions on US foreign assistance, a ban on defense exports and sales, certain controls over exports and various financial restrictions. It would also result in penalization against any persons and countries engaging in certain trade activities with Cuba.

The Trump administration has been rushing to finalize a myriad of rules before Biden’s inauguration. Since Election Day, the Trump administration has issued about three to four times as many new regulations as it did during other periods of Trump’s presidency. Rules that haven’t been finalized or taken effect can be suspended by an incoming president, which Biden has said he intends to do. By contrast, rules that are finalized can take months, or even years, to undo.

“As a general rule, it takes at least as much process to undo or modify a rule as it does to put the rule in place,” said Jonathan H. Adler, a professor and an administrative law expert at Case Western Reserve University School of Law. “The Trump administration is magnifying that challenge for the Biden administration.”

Trump loyalists are urging the president to stymie Biden’s efforts to rejoin the Paris climate agreement and the Iran nuclear deal. Sens. Ted Cruz and Lindsey Graham are working to get the agreements submitted to the Senate for ratification, requiring a two-thirds vote, with the goal of failure. While such an outcome wouldn’t prevent Biden from rejoining the accords, Cruz and Graham hope it would make their resurrection more problematic.

A vote against them would signal GOP opposition to the world and, they hope, undermine any unilateral action by Biden to rejoin the agreements. One senior congressional aide told RCP that sending them to die in the Senate “would be the final nail in the coffin.”

Further reading: “Biden To Be Saddled With Trump’s Payroll Tax Deferral Mess,” Forbes.
Further reading: Biden will inherit a backlog of tens of thousands of visa requests from the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan — and a bureaucratic tangle that refugee advocates say President Trump ignored or made worse.

Trump money and properties

Manhattan District Attorney Cyrus Vance is employing forensic accounting specialists to examine Trump’s finances and business operations. Vance is looking “for anomalies among a variety of property deals” and trying to determine “whether the president’s company manipulated the value of certain assets to obtain favorable interest rates and tax breaks”.

The analysts hired by Vance probably have already reviewed various bank and mortgage records obtained from Trump’s company as part of the ongoing grand jury investigation, and they could be called on to testify about their findings should the district attorney eventually bring criminal charges

In yet another shady business deal connected to Trump, the United States sold the ambassador’s residence in Israel for more than $67 million. The person who bought the residence is none other than Trump mega-donor Sheldon Adelson. The property only became available due to Trump's controversial decision to relocate the U.S. Embassy from Tel Aviv to contested Jerusalem. Furthermore, State Dept. representatives reportedly lied to Congress about the sale, perhaps to hide that Adelson purposefully overbid.

For now, there is no alternative residence for the ambassador, David Friedman, Trump’s former lawyer, who currently uses a suite at Jerusalem’s King David Hotel or rooms at the former Jerusalem Consulate General when he spends nights in Jerusalem… As a result, the United States appears likely to end up leasing the residence it has owned since 1964 from the GOP-affiliated casino mogul.
“It is very strange that we are now paying Sheldon Adelson,” a congressional aide told The Daily Beast. “It is not above board. We have a number of questions. Did they get two independent appraisals? Was it a sweetheart deal? Was Adelson the highest donor? Was there a reason to sell it now?”

Trump’s businesses have taken in $10.5 million of donor money over the course of his presidency. $8.5 million came from the Trump campaign and related entities that Trump controls directly; $2 million came from other Republican candidates and committees. The biggest beneficiary was Trump’s NYC hotel, taking in $3,039,979 over the four years of his presidency, with $891,003 of that in just the final four months of the campaign.
Trump’s DC hotel is ramping up room prices and requiring a two-night minimum stay for two key events this month, as the president tries to squeeze more profit out of his office. On Jan. 6, when Congress is set to formally count the votes cast by the Electoral College, room rates are listed at over eight times the price of surrounding dates. Trump is encouraging his supporters to attend a protest of Biden’s win on the 6th. A room during the inauguration costs five times the normal rate, at $2,225 per night.
Trump’s Turnberry Resort in Scotland posted a £2.3 million ($3.1 million) loss in 2019, marking the sixth year in a row it has failed to turn a profit under his ownership. Since Trump took over the historic property in 2014, its losses now total nearly £45 million ($61.5 million).

The fact Turnberry remains in the red comes in spite of significant tranches of payments it has received from the US government during Mr Trump’s single term in office… the US Secret Service spent nearly £25,000 to accommodate its agents at the resort during business trips by Mr Trump’s son, Eric, an executive vice-president of the family firm. Since Mr Trump’s election, the property has received close to £300,000 from the Secret Service, US State Department, and US Defence Department

A Florida state lawmaker is calling for Mar-a-Lago to be penalized - and possibly shut down - for flouting coronavirus restrictions during a New Years Eve party. While Trump and the first lady did not attend, son Don Jr., attorney Rudy Giuliani, Rep. Matt Gaetz, and Fox News personality Jeanine Piro were captured on video among the maskless crowd. Guests paid as much as $1,000 for access to the ballroom to be entertained by Vanilla Ice.

State Rep. Omari Hardy: “My constituents are not snowbirds like @DonaldJTrumpJr & @kimguilfoyle. My constituents live here. This is their home, and they're going to have to deal w/ the consequences of a potential super-spreader party at Mar-a-Lago long after Junior & wife leave here on their private jet.”

Are you ready for a Donald J. Trump Airport? According to the Daily Beast, Trump has been asking aides about the process of naming airports after former U.S. presidents.
Further reading: “Jared Kushner’s family real estate business wants to raise at least $100 million in capital through Israel’s bond market… Kushner has helped spearhead a series of moves that have been applauded by the conservative pro-Israel community, including moving the U.S. Embassy to Jerusalem from Tel Aviv and recognizing Israeli sovereignty in disputed areas such as the Golan Heights. Kushner also has close ties to Israel’s prime minister, Benjamin Netanyahu.”

Miscellaneous

The Census Bureau missed it’s end-of-year deadline to produce numbers that determine representation in Congress and the Electoral College for the next decade. The agency is working toward Jan. 9 as an internal target date for completing the current stage of processing records. "If we miss Jan. 9, it's hard to envision that we would get apportionment done before inauguration," a Census employee told NPR.

The final timing of the 2020 census results' release could undermine President Trump's efforts to make an unprecedented change to who is counted in key census numbers before leaving office… If the first census results are not ready until after Trump's term ends on Jan. 20, it would be President-elect Joe Biden, not Trump, who would get control of the numbers, which are ultimately handed off to Congress for certification.

I have struggled on and off since early 2018 with this bizarre, insidious disease. This post is kind of long because I need to vent. I'm hoping this community can provide some guidance and accountability. At the very least, maybe somebody can learn from my mistakes and STOP now and take this seriously. GA meetings, counseling, whatever you need to do.
I had never casino-gambled in my entire life until I was 29. I became curious about casino gambling, as a friend of mine told me about a recent trip to Vegas. Soon after, I found myself searching for an online casino, which wasn't difficult. I made a $25 deposit. I lost that amount. My stomach sank. I felt so terrible for blowing $25 of my hard-earned money. I then made two more $25 deposits. I lost those as well. I felt sick. However, a thought entered my mind and I did the unthinkable: "F**k this, I'm going to get my damn money back." I deposited $500 and won $7,000+, and the rest is history. "I'm good at Roulette!" I thought to myself. "I've figured out the system! I can quit my job and be a professional Roulette player!" Cringe. How laughably naive this is in hindsight. I was high on the dopamine rush of winning. I remember even when I got down to $1,000 from that high of $7,000, I had absolute confidence that I would win the money back, because I had "figured out the system." Spoiler alert: I didn't recoup the money, and continued chasing my losses and digging a deeper and deeper hole.
I'm now 32, single, and still in the jaws of this beast as of an hour or two ago. I estimate that I've lost over $100,000 gambling online over two years. I owe the IRS tens of thousands. Despite being furloughed early this year due to the pandemic, this year was the best financial year of my life (over $100,000 pretax). However, I've blown $46,000+ of it on bitcoin gambling sites in this year alone. I am disgusted and sickened every time I think about it. I could have paid off most of my debt. I could have invested it. I could have, would have, should have. You know how it goes.
I've been staying with my parents the last few months to escape the loneliness and monotony of my one bedroom apartment (which I'm still paying for) and the stress of big-city life. I thought coming out here would cure me of my problem, but it hasn't. My gambling addiction followed me. I've told my parents recently, and they recoiled in disgust and shame. They don't know how to help me. They first responded with anger, calling my behavior stupid, etc. They've since become supportive, and ask me if I'm still gambling, and I lie. How can I admit that I continued to gamble after I swore up and down to them that I'd stop? Since I've told them, I've probably lost another 5 to 10k.
My hope with this long story is, maybe writing all of this down will help me, and one of you reading this, snap out of this and take it seriously. Since I relapsed around May, I've been living in a fantasy world. I've become withdrawn, I've neglected my hygiene, showering less than once per week, not going outside, massive mood swings. I can't ever live in the moment because all I think about is my debt and "what could have been." I'm in a bad mood most of the time. I have an erratic sleep schedule. I look at the news every day, which puts me in a bad mood. My parents invite me down for dinner, but I don't want to go, instead wanting fast food, which I go get late at night after they've gone to bed. I've gained weight. Each time I make a deposit and lose it, I feel so disgusted. Doesn't matter how big or small.
Here's what I've finally learned about myself tonight: I have to leave the fantasy world. Early this morning, I made what will be my last bet. I know I shouldn't make absolute statements, but I need to be done with this. Not tomorrow, not in the new year, NOW. This morning I started with a $160 or so deposit and turned it into almost $6,000 over a couple of hours. But then I lost it all. Why didn't I stop? I could have paid a family member back, got that new M1 chip MacBook I've been wanting, paid for Christmas presents for family, the list goes on. But I didn't. We never stop do we? I blew it all. Even right now, the temptation to make another deposit with the hopes that I'll have another lucky streak remains, but I know that even if I make it back up to $6,000, I'll want to go to $7,000. If I make it to $7,000, I'll want to go to $8,000. If I withdrew the money, sooner or later I'd be right back to making deposits again when I'm bored thinking I can win even more. I know all of this because this is the obvious pattern that has emerged over two years. No matter how much I win, I always end up putting it back into the casino. As I sit here sour about what I could have done with that $6,000, I should instead look at things in perspective: would that 6 grand have really made that much of a difference? I would have gone from $46,000 lost this year to $40,000 lost. Still WAY in the negative.
I have decided to leave this nightmarish fantasy world forever. I'm going to take a damn shower. I'm going to clean my disgusting room. I'm going to work on art projects. If I get bored, I'll play a video game. I used to find joy in gaming, and now all I enjoy is gambling. That stops now. I will find joy in every day life, I will make each day count, I will continue to learn my craft so I can earn more next year, I will live normally, I will make an effort to attend GA meetings online, and I will stop worrying about money and take it ONE DAY AT A TIME. As I continue to abstain from gambling, I know my mood will improve. I have a long way to go with some other bad habits. I have enough money to last through the end of February. All I can think about is "what about AFTER February?" How about this: who gives a shit. I've never gone a single year and not been able to earn money as a freelancer or otherwise to pay my bills. This stops now, who the f**k is with me?

Sorry in advanced, mobile rant incoming.
So let me paint the scene. I don't have a rewards card with this casino chain. I am currently diamond at Harrah's and I wanted to go to status match, but they weren't open to do it when I arrived so I decided I'll do it tomorrow.
So I'm on a 30$ a spin slot machine I saw someone punt 1k on and win nothing. I throw 800$ in and win a feature, which ends up paying 1,300.. so I'm irritated that I'll have to pay taxes on this now with no record of loss statement because I didn't think this through.
Fast forward 20 minutes (how long it took to process my "jackpot" with no card previously established) and I decide to play blackjack. 50$ a hand table, bought in with 500$. Within 20 minutes I'm playing between 200 and 400 a hand, and it's not until I'm up considerably that they want me to get a card. I tell them I already missed the benefits tonight, so no thanks.
45 minutes later I leave with 5 grand, the pit boss wishes me a nice evening and I head to the cage. They take my chips into the cage and tell me I can't recieve payment until the pitboss rates me, and the only way to do that is to get a players card. I said give me the chips and I'll do it tomorrow then and they responded with "we can't release the chips to you until you get a players card" and proceeded to put them in a plastic box as if I'm dumb enough to reach in a casino cage arguing that its company policy to only pay out upon rewards card verification.
I'm a true degen gambler. I've played at Indian casinos, Ameristar, no names in the middle of nowhere(should out to Diamond Jack's and route 66) I have never in my life been forced to sign for your fucky fuck card to recieve my winnings.
Recap : I was allowed to play with no card, I was allowed to win with no card, I was allowed to leave my table with no card, I had no indication whatsoever that the pitboss was going to place a hold on my chips because I had no card, and it's not until I handed over my chips and they detained them that they forced me to get their card and wait for 45+ minutes to get my money
Fuck you MGM, seriously Fuck you

Dr. Jordan B. Peterson
Faculty of Psychology
University of Toronto
JCT: John Von Neumann said: Economic questions arise in a
more elementary manner in the Theory of Games. After my
degree in Systems Engineering, I was Teaching Assistant of
Canada's only Mathematics of Gambling Course at Carleton
University for 4 years in the late 1970s and became a
professional gambler for over 42 years! Google for Great
Canadian Gambler and I come up. I was known as "The
Professor" at the Trump Taj Mahal Poker room of "Rounders"
fame in the 1990s. I hope to provide such elementary insight
into Pareto Distributions.
JP: Pareto Distributions https:youtu.be/TcEWRykSgwE
- Creative production in any domain, artistic, food
production, novels, money generated, companies generated,
goals in hockey, paintings, human productivity, follows
Pareto Principle that half the production is done by the
square root of players. With 10 employees, 3 do the half the
work. 10,000 employees, 100 do half the work.
JCT: It would not apply to non-human animals. Take bees.
Presume a bee brings back 1 gram of pollen per day on
average. Under a Pareto Distribution where:
P(e)= Elite Bee Production; P(l)= Lesser Bee Production
So P(e)*sqrt(n) = .5 = P(l)*(n-sqrt(n))
Elite Production is Factor: (sqrt(n)-1) bigger than P(l).
Hive of 4 bees:
2 bees bring in 2g pollen, other 2 bring in 2g: Factor = 1.
Hive of 9 bees:
3 bees bring in 4.5g, other 6 bees bring in 4.5g
Elite brings 4.5g/3=1.5g, Lesser brings 4.5g/6=.75g: F=2
Hive of 16 bees:
Elite brings 8g/4=2g, Lesser bee brings 8g/12=.67g: F=3
Hive of 25 bees:
Elite 12.5g/5=2.5g, Lesser brings 12.5g/20=.625g: F-4
Hive of 100 bees
Elite 50g/10=5g, Lesser bee 50g/90=.55g: F=9
Hive of 10,000 bees:
Elite 5000g/100=50g, Lesser 5000g/9,900=.505g F=99
Hive of 1,000,000 bees:
Elite 500kg/1k=500g, Lesser 500kg/999k=.5005g: F=999.
So in a hive of a million bees, the 999,000 Lesser bees
would bring in half a gram each rather than a whole gram
while an elite bee brings in half a kilo! Only because of
the size of the hive? Doubtful.
Though I accept a Pareto Distribution is observed in the
distribution of human productivity and other areas, I see no
reason for it to occur in production by non-humans.
- Pareto Distributions govern distribution of money. Why 1%
have the overwhelming amount and 1/10 of that 1% has almost
all of that. The richest 100 have as much money as the
bottom 2.5B. Across all creating domains. Something like a
natural law.
JCT: So an Elite human produces 50,000 times what a Lesser
human produces?
JP: Marxism is ignorant of the Pareto principle
https:youtu.be/i0iL0ixoZYo
- Pareto distribution as a function of some fundamental
force we don't understand!
- People compete to produce. Almost everybody produces zero,
they lose everything. Small minority successful, hyper-
minority insanely successful. 100 composers, 10 write music
that's played. Of their 1,000 songs, 30 are played 50% of
the time.
JCT: "Compete to produce" is key. It's not that so many
produce zero but that they could not or would not be able to
sell what they produced. In a game with not enough money,
who rates success in selling?
MATTHEW PRINCIPLE OF POSITIVE FEEDBACK "TAKEN FROM"
- It's expressed from the Matthew Principle: "To those who
have everything, more will be given, and from those who have
nothing, everything will be taken." A vicious statement.
This happens everywhere.
JCT: This is Christ's most quoted verse, 7 times. In 1)
Matthew 13:10 and 2) 25:29; in 3) Luke 8:10 and 4) 19:26,
again in 5) Marc 4:25, and twice more in the deleted but
newly-found Nag Hammadi scrolls in 6) Thomas 41 and 7)
Apocalypse of Peter (VII,3) 83:27. That's how important the
Matthew-Luke-Marc-Thomas-Peter Principle is.
In 1995, my post "Christ spoke in Differential Equations
suggesting this was a Differential Equation (which shows how
things change over time) offended the internet world so
badly that I was voted July Kook-of-the-Month!
The key word is "taken." How would pollen be taken from some
bees and given to others as money is taken from some humans
who have nothing and given to others who have abundance? How
do you take from those who have nothing? Only through
increased debt in a money system!
JP: - Winning increases chances of more winning. Spirals out
of control until a few have all the money. We don't know
what to do about that? Marx said: Capital tended to
accumulate into the hands of the fewer and fewer people, a
flaw in the capitalist system. That's wrong, it is not a
flaw, it's a feature of every system we've ever set up and
how it operates.
JCT: Even if Marx didn't understand what force was taking
from the poor to give to the rich, he still found that to be
a flaw. And even if it's been a feature of every system ever
set up by the rulers and how it operates, as Jesus defined
and named the problem in Matthew, he also explained what to
do about that in Paul Corr II, 8:14.
JP: As soon as you set up production, you set up a
competition and the spoils go disproportionately to a tiny
percentage of people. So the rest of the people starve.
Tendency is to be distributed inequitably. If you let a
monetary system run, all the money ends up in the hands of a
very small number. And any creative endeavour too.
JCT: You farm your land, I farm mine, where's the
competition? Sure, you may grow more than me but why would I
end up not having enough? Why should all the goods be given
disproportionally to you and be taken from me so I should
starve? It can only be because competition is in selling the
production for scarce money, not in growing it.
JP: Marxism is ignorant of the Pareto principle
https:youtu.be/i0iL0ixoZYo
- If you don't have any money, it's really hard to get some.
Once you have some, it's not so hard to get some more.
JCT: Because having some gets you more from positive
feedback with no work.
JP: But if you're at zero, Jesus man, you're in the reverse
situation. You're poor, you don't have anything, no one
wants to talk to you, you can't get out of it because you're
too poor to get out of it, You're penalized by the economic
system because you can't even afford to start playing the
game. You're stuck at zero. And you can't get out.
JCT: Jesus called when all has been taken away from you
living in the "alley where men weep and gnash their teeth."
- The revolutionary types tell the people stuck at zero, why
don't you burn the whole God-Damned thing to the ground?
Because, maybe in the next iteration, you won't be stuck at
zero. And for young men, that's a hell of a call. They're
already expendable, biologically, that makes them more
adventurous and risk-taking. Maybe why they wear the Che
Gueverra T-shirt. Hey, I'm stuck at zero, I'd rather be
with the romantic burning everything to the ground than stay
locked in my immobile position.
JCT: Thoughout all history people have been pushed to revolt
by their poverty through growing debts, not scarcity. But
Jesus did offer a better way used in his commune "The Poor."
Don't think when he said to the rich man "Give your money to
the poor and follow me" he meant give it to the drunks in
the street. He meant "give it to our commune Treasurer who
can buy others out of debt.
It is clear from your descriptions that Pareto Distributions
arise as a function of positive feedback on wealth and debt.
JP: Pareto Distributions https:youtu.be/TcEWRykSgwE
- Monopoly: One person ends up with all the money is the
inevitable consequence of multiple trades that are conducted
randomly. Get 1,000 people to play a trading game each with
$100 and they have to trade with another person by flipping
a coin, I win the coin toss, you win, I give you a dollar.
If we all play that long enough, 1 person will end up with
all the money and everyone else will stack up at zero.
JCT: Sure, Risk of Ruin flipping coins with no edge to
either player with "b" bets is exp(-2(0)b/s^2)= 1. Flipping
coins, or playing War, eventually a player will hit a streak
bad enough to break him. But there is no positive feedback
causing the guy with more cards or more bets to win faster
though the guy with more cards or more bets has lower risk
of ruin.
JP: So it's a deeply built feature of systems of creative
production and no one really knows what to do about it.
Because the danger is all the resources get funnelled to a
tiny minority at the top. A huge section of the population
stacks up at zero. To blame that on the oppressive nature of
the system is to radically underestimate the complexity of
the problem.
JCT: That's a positive feedback where those up now win
faster on account of their bigger bankroll. Winning faster
with a bigger bankroll, not surviving more. That's how the
mort-gage death-gamble contract works, all the resources get
funnelled to the tiny surviving minority in the banks.
JP: "Socialism will never work" https://youtu.be/rl-JYD7Ss8A
- How you got your success.. more opportunities..
Opportunities don't multiply linearly but exponentially.
- When you start moving up, it's faster and faster.. and get
to a point where you have so many you don't know what to do
with them. A non-linear improvement. Downside is the same.
Seems to be how the world works.. There's a center point
unstable, things improve, then they improve exponentially.
Or they fall and they fall off exponentially. That seems to
be what's driving inequality. You start to succeed and the
probability that you succeed starts to expand. We don't know
how to control it. Same with stars. A few stars in the Milky
Way have all the matter. It applies to height of the trees
in the jungle.
JCT: Exponentiality is caused by positive feedback, where
the rate of change is a function of how much you already
have. Stars experience the positive feedback of gravity.
Bigger stars exert more pull as a function of their size.
Taller trees experience positive feedback of more sunlight
as a function of their height.
JP: If we could come up with a way to flatten inequality,
that would be a good thing.
JCT: Jesus who wrote the Matthew Principle also offered a
way to flatten inequality. See Paul Corr II: 8:14 at the end
and won't give it away now.
JP: But the empirical evidence suggests, if you look at the
attempts to alleviate inequality over the last 200 years,
whether left- or right-wing governments, made absolutely no
difference. The only thing to flatten inequality are
catastrophes, wars, revolutions. The price of radical
redistribution is death. No one has come up with a system.
JCT: Without having defined the cause of the positive
feedback, of course, they all failed to stop or mitigate it.
But Jesus defined the cause and succeeded in alleviating it.
JP: It's not a function of our economic or political
systems, or if it is, it's at such a deep level that we
don't know what drives it and we certainly don't know how to
control it.
JCT: In the Matthew Principle verses, he did mention that it
is at such a deep level that "they will forever be hearing
without hearing and seeing without seeing or understanding"
what's driving it or how to control it. Jesus did. Paul Corr
II 8:14
JP: Pareto Distributions https:youtu.be/TcEWRykSgwE :
- No one actually knows how to effectively shovel resources
from the minority that controls almost everything to the
majority that has almost nothing in any consistent way.
Because as you shovel money down, it tends to move right
back up. And it's a big problem.
JCT: Jesus did. Forget shoveling it from the rich to the
poor, stop the shovelling from the poor to the rich first.
Until the force that makes money "tend to move right back
up" is identified, how can it be stopped? And then Paul Corr
II 8:14 even if there is no positive feedback.
JP: After the Ukrainian peasants were granted their land and
started to become farmers, a tiny minority of them became
extremely successful and those people produced almost all of
the food for Russia and Ukraine.
JCT: Who and what stopped the others from also producing
food so that only the successful ones keep could producing
and selling?
JP: Poverty causes crime? Wrong! - The Gini coefficient
https:youtu.be/M3XYHPAwBzE
- Gini Coefficient represents how much inequality of income
distribution in a geographical area.
- You hear poverty causes crime, a left-wing idea. It's
wrong, seriously wrong, importantly, definititely wrong.
- Relative poverty causes crime. Poverty is when you don't
have enough to eat. Relative poverty is when the guy next
door has a much better car
JCT: When you don't have enough to eat, that's not
poverty unless there's plenty of good and you can't afford
any, it's scarcity. Poverty is when you don't have enough
money to get into the game. What crime would be committed
when there's no poverty? Scarcity may not cause much crime
but poverty causes lots.
JP: Right wing thinks the spoils go to who deserves them.
JCT: If it were a natural risk of ruin function, sure, but
if it's a positive feedback from those who do not have to
those who have, getting more without work for having more,
it is unearned income.
JP: Every man can go for it and do his best and the winner wins
and the loser loses. Don't ask me to fix it, I don't want
to. I find it distasteful to attempt to fix it.
JCT: I would too if it were a natural force. But if it's a
man-made systemic force taking from the negatives to give to
the positives, I would end it. Risk of ruin in a fair game
is not exponential. If it is exponential, it's human-caused
taking from one to give to another.
JP: You shouldn't let income distribution become too unequal
because it tends to get out of hand, towards a few people
having everything and almost everyone else having nothing.
It's as natural consequence of economic progression.
JCT: A few having everything and everyone else having
nothing is not a natural consequence of economic progression
but of positive feedback on winning.
JP: The more unequal you let your society get, the higher
the probability of death through violent causes. If men see
status differences but have no means of moving forward, they
turn to aggression as a way of establishing dominance.
JCT: So if violence is generated by inequality, why not
crime too?
JP: The Fundamental Flaws Of Marxism And Postmodernism
https://youtu.be/HdN9RTo-9G8
- How can people be sane with all the brutality in life?
JCT: The force creating a competition to the death, your
having nothing and starving will engender brutal resistance,
is so ingrained, it's like playing musical chairs to the
death, a death-gamble, a mort-gage. All you can do is say:
There, but for the grace of God, go I too."
JP: Suffering is part of being, not a consequence of social
organization..
JCT: The force taking from the hungry to feed the full is a
consequence of social orgainzation. Jesus identified it in
the Parables of the Talents and of the Minas:
"The law is: "to those who have will more be given and
from those who have not, even what they have will be
taken away! You should have brought me what was mine
with interest! Take what is his and give to him who has
and throw him into the alley where men weep and gnash
their teeth."
Jesus says the Pareto Distribution caused by the Matthew
Differential Equation is the force taking from the negatives
to give to the positives: interest on loans.
And how would Jesus solve the inequality caused by either
lesser production rates or usury to have a Christian
Commune is given in Paul Corrinthians II, 8:14:
"Your abundance should at the present time be a supply
for their want to that later, their abundance may be a
supply for your want; in that way, he who gathers much
doesn't have too much and he who gathers little doesn't
have too little, that there be equality."
So he who gathers much has lots but not too much and he who
gathers little has less but not too little though later
trying to win and pay it back. That's the loveliest line in
the Bible, the ethos of a Christian Commune where the Pareto
Distribution can not arise whether natural or unnatural
inequality if the winners help the losers become winners
too.
From: http://SmartestMan.Ca/poembibl
HOW INTEREST ARISES
One tale to show how interest occurs quite easily,
Especially when humans find themselves in scarcity:
A father leaving his estate, his sons he has but four,
To each of them he gives a sac of seed to grow some more.
The first son had misfortune due to natural event,
The loss of crop to a tornado, the predicament.
The second son, he suffered too, with locusts in his field,
His children soon would starve after an insufficient yield.
The third son had a tiny crop, but it was touch-and-go,
He had eight kids who ate most everything that he could grow.
The fourth son's crop was bountiful, his granaries were full.
His brothers asked if some spare seeds might be available.
In his right ear he heard advice that he knew to be true,
"Do help them out and should you fail, they'll be there helping you."
But in his wrong ear he heard words so greedy in their tone,
"Don't risk security for your success was all your own.
But if you rent your seeds to them and gain from what they reap,
You soon won't have to work with interest to earn your keep."
At some point in man's history, a brother chose that way,
Enslaved with debt all of the others lasting to this day.
WHO THE LORD MUST BE
Ezekiel 34:27 says the poor will know,
When they've been liberated from those who've enslaved them so.
The one who breaks the evil bars of yoke of slavery,
He'll be their savior, that's for sure. No other can he be.
NEW TESTAMENT
Like Nehemiah, Jesus knew a Lord must set them free,
And fight the men who had imposed the yoke of slavery.
In Luke 4 verse 18 he says "Anointed by the Lord,
I preach the good news to the poor, a world they can afford.
The prisoners shall be set free, oppressed shall be released,
When comes the year of our Lord's favor, you will surely feast."
In Matthew chapter 13:10, it tells where he was asked,
Why did he speak in parables so meanings they were masked?
"The reason for disguise of message," note the words he said:
"It all comes down to interest, the theme affects the head.
To those who have abundance will be given even more,
From those without abundance will be taken from their store."
This mathematical equation states the function best,
This Biblical description of the function interest.
To those with spare, the positives, they'll get some extra perks,
And those with none, they'll have to pay, that's how the system works.
The rich get richer, poor get poorer. It's not brotherhood.
It's obvious that interest is Reverse-Robin-Hood.
This rule of more abundance was repeated down the line,
In Matthew 13:12 and 25 verse 29,
In Luke 19 verse 26, with 8:18 as well,
In Marc 4:25, five times Christ used these words for Hell.
In Thomas 41 from Nag Hammadi scrolls anew,
Apocalypse of Peter 83:27 too
Omitted from the Bible but in Gnostic Text is found,
The greatest of all Christian laws for economics sound.
St. Thomas in verse 95's where Jesus said it best:
"If you have money, do not lend it out at interest,
But rather give it to one from whom you won't get it back,"
Thus helping out the poorest saves us from financial lack.
So Paul to the Corinthians 2, Chapter 8, 14,
We find abundance matched to need with charity foreseen,
"Your own abundance now should be supplying for their need,
That their abundance later will supply you your own seed.
And in this way, who gathers much will not have over-fill,
And he who gathers little will be taken care of still.
And in this way there soon will be a rich equality,
Where people help each other with great productivity."
Abundance had two ancient laws from which he had to choose,
Abundance increase for the rich or loans for those who lose.
To those who have abundance will be given even more,
From those without abundance will be taken from their store, or
Your own abundance now should be supplying for their need,
That their abundance later will supply you your own seed.
JCT: In 1984, I financed the interest-free LETS timebank
software, in 1993, my 28-table Casino Turmel was shut down
in the biggest raid in history, the O.P.P. Project Robin
Hood Raid on Casino Turmel's 28-table underground game, I
spent the million I won before it was seized as Proceeds of
Crime to found the Abolitionist Party of Canada and run for
Prime Minister which then got me invited to the United
Nations Millennium Assembly where I gave the speech on the
banking system of the new millennium resulting in the
UNILETS Millennium Declaration C6 to "restructure the global
financial architecture" with an "alternative time-based
currency." Sadly, the Millennium Declaration has now been
corrupted to delete that.
I can only point out that the only character in fiction with
my credentials, Science and Game Theory, is Mr. Spock, which
could explain my accomplishments.
I live beside the Brantford casino and invite you for coffee
to about saving the world's poor from the Pareto
Distribution.
My latest poem:
1974: TRUDEAU'S DEBT SCAM
As Canada's Debt National had much stability
Til 19 7 4 starts exponentiality.
Same in Ontario, Quebec, debt doubling time and time,
Did debts all start to grow in big coincidence sublime?
The Bank of Canada made loans to Provinces and Fed,
Without the interest that causes budgets to turn red.
It funded major projects, made St. Lawrence Seaway be,
Trans-Canada was highway built from sea to shining sea.
Not only infrastructure, even paid for World War Two,
With interest-free cash, we almost nothing couldn't do.
The only tax was for depreciation and repair,
So easily affordable without the banker's share.
But in 1974, Pierre cut the money feed:
Said "No more interest-free loans for infrastructure need.
All governments must borrow now new funds from private banks,
And raise new tax to service interest with bankers' thanks."
But worse in 1968, Pierre Trudeau'd lifted cap,
On interest from 6 percent to 60, that's the rap.
In 12 years central bank rate rose to 22 percent.
More tax to service greater debt at higher rate was spent.
Pierre Trudeau is responsible for debts out of control,
By lifting rate cap, ending infrastructure loans, his role.
Though Canada sure could have offered all a living swell,
But Pierre in 19 7 4 turned Heaven into Hell.
I'll pay my tax for army and police to handle strife,
I'll pay my tax for doctors, nurses who protect my life,
I'll pay my tax for all engaged repairing road and sewer,
I'll pay my tax for social servants helping out the poor,
I'll even pay my tax for bureaucrats with no regret,
But I object to paying tax for interest on debt.
I'll gladly pay my tax for people's time at useful toil,
But taxing me for money's time will always make me boil.
While Justin could make loans again without the usury,
Can we expect but more bad fruit from father's crooked tree.
Like dad, a prostitute to power, doing what he's told.
A follower, a Beta-boy, no Alpha leader bold.
Our taxes disappear since over 40 years ago,
For interest on Trudeau's debt we didn't have to owe.
If Mr. Spock could at computer central all alone,
Debug bad code to save a planet, skill we too may hone.
No help he needed from the lo-tech slows who could not see,
What Spock can do, The Engineer says: "Also true for me."
To get back all $2 trillion taxed since Pierre helped banks, us, fleece,
Reversing algorithm gets back $60 Grand apiece!

So i write these letters occasionally. Sometimes ill send it, most times i dont, definitely not this one its way too much. Its kinda like my self help. I usually delete them when im done but i thought id post this one and see if you all think i am as crazy as i do. I would be extremely surprised if anyone reads all the way to the end though.
For some backstory i got out of an abusive relationship about a year ago. I moved across country and tried to start over. A few months ago i met an amazing woman. I have never clicked so hard with someone, she said the same. By all accounts we were headed for a really good relationship. About 2 months in i changed. Almost overnight. I destroyed the relationship. I was acting in ways i never have before. It was bad and i was trapped in emotions and couldnt stop it. Insane thoughts ran through my head. The end was one of the most painful breakups i have ever experienced (yet it was extremely cordial and mutual) and we were only together for a few months. I thought i was ready but obviously I wasnt. I know i was extremely stupid in a lot of places and acting purely out of emotion in others so if you want to call me names feel free but dont be surprised when i agree. The whole thing really opened my eyes to whats going on inside me and just how insidious this shit is.
I'm not sure what you think about me, hell im not sure what i think about myself. I've spent a lot of time the past month or so trying to figure out what exactly is going on in my head. Its complicated to say the least. This past month ive had to finally admit some things to myself that ive been in denial about for a while. I have always been the strong silent type. Nothing could ever hurt me, always in control of myself, never vulnerable, etc. I have always felt there is nothing i cant do or get past or obtain if i really want it. I know that is cliche but that was me, always confident and always capable. And for the majority of my life it worked. That's not to say nothing ever went wrong but even when things got horrible i would always have a plan and I would get through it. Sure i had my share of pain and hurt but it was never overwhelming and always faded relatively quickly.
That all changed in 2014. I know the exact date, Nov 19th. We split around August and as always i immediately lost all access to the kids. As usual it was about her cheating. I think i should give some history on that topic, it has a lot to do with my issues. She cheated throughout our relationship but i could never prove it. Coincindences would pile up so high it was ridiculous. Her phone would suddenly wipe itself all on its own. Her habits would suddenly change. Old friends she hadnt talked to in years would all of a sudden show up to go hang out. There was never a smoking gun, she was way too good for that, but I knew i wasnt jumping at ghosts. Itd be extremely improbable that ALL of the stuff going on was actually a coincidence. But even so i didnt want to flip over ghosts, especially the first few times. When shit would start getting weird id watch for a while and every single time it just kept ramping up until i couldnt take it anymore. So id leave, knowing she was cheating whether i could prove it or not and determined to never come back. It might be a week or two later but before long we always got into a fight about something, usually me not doing what she wants, and that would be the last time i saw the kids until we got back together. Usually several months. Over time the pain of not seeing them would weaken my resolve. Id start doubting everything i had seen. Id rationalize things. Shed help me a lot with that, she is by far the best liar i have ever known. There was always a halfway decent explanation for everything. Before long id always be back. That was our little cycle of abuse and it never stopped. I have never been able to actually prove she ever cheated on me and that really fucked with my head, especially when itd start happening again a year or so later. I started doubting my sanity but at the same time i couldnt just ignore it. She finally confessed everything when i left [homestate]. It hurt but at the same time it was nice to know i wasnt going crazy even if i am now. Even knowing i wasnt imagining all those times Im sure the whole thing has fucked with me pretty hardcore. It was a big element of our entire 9 year relationship.
Back on topic...Nov 19th was my latest return. We started talking about getting back together. What wed do different, blahblah. We decided to try yet again so we kissed and made up. We ended up talking through the night, i poured my heart out like i do, we cried, it was sweet. Towards the end of the night she confessed she had filed against me but since we were on the same page and ready to work together she would drop it. I honestly didnt hold anything against her. I left her so she had every right. It irked me though when she said she went for full custody. I dont feel that I deserved to have my kids taken away from me, ive always been a damn good dad. So the next day i called the court, found the server, and got myself served. I was blown away. In order to get full custody she needed to prove me unfit and boy did she try. She accused me of all kinds of horrible stuff and it went straight into the public record. Most of it was lies, twists, and half truths but one part was true and it was the biggest secret i have ever had in my life (im a 2 on the kinsey scale, possibly 3 if i ever actually explored it). At the time she was the only person to know it. On top of that some of the lies could have very well cost me my security clearance (and with that my job), hell some of the truths could if they could prove them. I didn't take that very well at all, that was the start of my decline. I saw pretty much everything crashing down. It was just a matter of time before i lost everything. I knew she would take the kids but losing my career that i had worked so hard on for so long as well was just too much. Once my secret was out i know for a fact id be shunned by a good portion of my family and friends for the rest of my life. Its the deep south, thats how it is. All i could see was despair and everything felt so hopeless. It felt like just the accusations were enough to destroy my life.
I begged her to withdraw the papers. I told her she could have everything she wanted if she would just get that out of the public. She said she would but didn't. Weeks passed and the whole time i felt like i was just waiting for the hammer to drop. Waiting on someone to look up my case and discover my secret. Waiting on the gov to find it and yank my clearance. Waiting for my life as i knew it to end. It was the most stressful weeks of my life. Day after day a default judgement kept creeping closer. Once the defaut was entered itd be practically sealed as truth. I couldnt even bring myself to address the lies. In doing so id have to bring even more of my business to the public. Id have to lay bare my entire life to prove them wrong and in doing so prove my secret true. I couldnt bring myself to do that so all i did was fret. At the time i knew she was talking to someone else but was told that's all it was, talk. They hadn't even met yet. We weren't "officially" back together, i had told her I would only move back in after we went through counseling, but we practically were. She refused to drop her buddy until i came back for good. I still stayed there pretty much every day. On Fri Dec 26th I woke up, gave her a kiss goodbye, and went to play music with a buddy. When I got home that afternoon she wasn't there. I called and texted but no answer. As the hours went by with no response i started getting filled with dread. She always at least texts me back. I went to my house and sometime around 2AM she finally wrote. She was at a casino with the guy she had been talking to and would be staying with him until Monday.
I was devastated. Completely blindsided. It broke me. At this time the papers were still hanging over my head. The default date had passed and i was expecting to recieve a judgement any day. My stress was higher than i ever knew was possible. It had started manifesting physically, i didnt know it could do that. I shook constantly, my brain wouldnt stop, my whole body was constantly sore from always being tense, i was extremely figidy, i couldnt think straight. I don't really remember the next week. I was in a daze. I didn't sleep at all for 8 days. My brain just wouldn't stop, i couldnt calm down. I tried taking sleeping pills but they might as well had been sweet tarts.

 VERY GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION OF SUICIDE ATT 

Jan 4th I wrote my note and slit my wrist. I just wanted everything to stop. Obviously i wasnt successful. I spent the next 3 days in a mental hospital. They diagnosed me with depression and general anxiety disorder, imagine that. Everyone put it down as a cry for help. The cut wasnt very deep, stopped just before opening the veins, so i can understand that. But i knew different. When i decided to do it the only thing i had was a really dull serrated steak knife. I swiped a few times, harder and harder, but it barely left a scratch. After about 4 or 5 of those my mind blanked and I just started sawing. I was probably at it for a good 15 seconds. I had to press as hard as i could to even make progress. It hurt like a motherfucker, and not just physically. It hurt worse than anything i have ever felt in my life. I was literally trying to cut my hand off with a tiny dull saw and every swing ripped straight through my entire self. I kept it up for as long as i could. I pushed through so much, i latched on to my anger and sadness. I paused and when i did i saw my veins sitting right there ready to go. That moment was all it took. I couldnt force myself to start again. I felt so useless and weak. It was the first time i have ever felt well and truly beaten. I couldnt even do this. If i had a razor blade it would have been the end of me. Every fiber of me wanted to die and its been in the back of my mind ever since. I did what they always tell you to do, i called 911 and i needed help asap. My mom picked me up from the hosp, dropped me off at my apt*, then left. I was right back where i started, all alone with nothing but my out of control emotions. So of course i ran back to her. Thats the only way itd stop.

 DONE 

*Here comes another side thread. That part is something i continue to struggle with even today. I dont understand it. Pretty much everyone back in [homestate] talks about how great of a person i am. How id give anyone the shirt off my back. How im always there if they need me. How i work hard and get things done. Literally everyone tells me how much they love me and care about me. My huge ego is a direct result of how everyone has always talked me up my whole life. Yet when i needed someone the most nobody was there, not even my family. I would go weeks with my phone never ringing. Nobody would come visit. My mom drove to work every day like 5 minutes away from me. The only time she ever even saw my apt was when she dropped me off from the hosp. My brother lived 10 minutes from me, in 6 months he never came by once. The occasional times id try to reach out to them id get judgement over how i was fucking up. How i needed to get my shit together before things got worse. Sometimes it felt like everyone wanted me to die. As stupid as that sounds i cant shake it. Ive talked to them about it since and what they say kinda makes sense but i still dont get it. The only person i ever let really see my emotional side is my SO. Ive been like that all my life. Thats always been the only person i can feel vulnerable to without serious effort and feeling shame, its a pride thing (reddit: this is anon so i dont give a shit). For everyone else everything is always good to go. And thats what they expect from me. They expected me to fix it because i can fix anything. They expected me to take charge and tell them what i needed them to do as i would any other time. But theres no way i could do it in the state i was in. Itd feel like i was begging for someone to love me and just the thought of that feels me with so much sadness. I kinda see what theyre saying but it still doesnt make sense. I feel if they truly loved me theyd be there for me regardless. My sister went off her rocker a few years back and everyone immediately dropped everything and was there for her hardcore. Making her get help, making sure someone was always with her, making shure she was taken care of. You know, exactly what youre supposed to do when someone you love is in major distress. I cant help but compare. What is wrong with me that i didnt get that reaction? Why did i just get dropped off and ignored? I mean still to this day thats how it is. Even knowing everything thats going on. Even telling them how bad things are getting. My phone stays silent day after day. Its almost like i was abandoned by absolutely everyone i know and love a long time ago but i never knew it. Like everyone is playing nice to my face or something. I know that is a ludicrious statement but that doesnt make the feeling go away. I dont want to fuck anyone else's life up anymore than i already have. I dont want to bother anyone. And thats exactly how it feels, like im bothering people. Nobody wants anything to do with my bullshit so why the hell would i try to force them into it? While writing this I have asked myself a million times why am i doing it to you? You dont deserve for me to dump all this in your lap. But i dont know what to do, that seems to be a constant nowadays. All i know is writing helps and for some reason i really want you to read.
The next few months were weird. For weeks i felt like I wasn't supposed to be here. I was still trying to figure out a way to do it that I wouldn't chicken out of. I was done with life. She dropped the papers and we "got back together" but we both knew it was over. There were no plans or talks of the future. My job was also going through a change (same job different employer), which also added a lot of stress to all of this. I didnt know if i would be picked up and keep my job. I got a big promotion actually, they made me the big boss. A few months later I got my severance from my old employer and used that to hire a lawyer and finally end it. I gave her absolutely everything as i said i would, the only thing i wanted was to be done. I should have known better though. For the next several months she did everything she could to hurt me. From keeping my kids from me to weaseling money to banging one of my oldest and (i thought) best friends. She didn't let up, theres plenty more im not mentioning. I was expecting most of it but the friend bang was the last straw. I couldnt give two shits less about her but him betraying me like that hurt pretty bad. Up to the second i found out i would have bet my life savings hed never do that to me. I practically did because thats what it took to get away.
I knew I had to get out of [homestate]. As long as i was there this shit would never stop and it was escalating. It always escalated until i showed a reaction. I had actually been thinking of leaving for a while but I was too much of a pussy to up and go. That last one gave me the kick in the ass I needed. I left that night. The drive was very cathartic. I let a lot go, or at least i thought. I was more determined than i had ever been before that i was going to build the life that i have always wanted. When I got here the old me was back. The me that is on top of everything, always confident and always capable. The guy that climbed completely on his own from being a lowdown druggie to running the entire IT operation for [branch of huge company that you see daily] just because he decided thats what he wanted to do. The me that i love and have missed for so long. And he stayed, day after day and week after week. And he accomplished just like he always has and he did it with a vengance. Within weeks i had a good job, a beautiful house, and the most amazing woman i have ever met on my arm. I even had great new friends in [dude] and [dude]. I was living the dream in one of the most beautiful places in this country. Yea she was tight but i was making it. I thought I had beat the stupid shit holding me down. I was back better than ever. I was nieve.
This whole time my ex had been fucking with me. Sending all kinds of hateful and nasty emails. Throwng blows as low as possible. She was beyond pissed i left. I tried to let it roll off me but some of it stuck. I started writing back. I never should have but i got so angry when i read the shit she said. You once said i wasnt over her and that made me laugh. There is nobody in this world that i hate more than her and its been like that for a while. But she does have control over me. She always will. As long as she has my kids she has a firm grip on my sanity and my heart. And she will squeeze the shit out of it any chance she gets. She did everything she could to sabotage me here. She has no problem fucking herself or my kids over if itll hurt me. She is the most vindictive person i have ever known. She reneged on our support deal and reported me to DHR and i got royally fucked by that. With how quick that happened i imagine she filed before i even left. She lied and said i hadnt paid in months. They hit me with a several grand bill. On top of that she lied and got food stamps for the entire year and didnt tell them i was paying support. Now my money is going to pay that back and not my kids. Even in the best case scenario they wont see another dime from me in at least 4 months. Ill be homeless long before then, im sure my job wont be far behind. Hell i got days, weeks at best. The amount garnished from my check is based off my pay back there, which was waaaay higher. That put me squarely in the cant pay all my bills realm. My house back there is guaranteed to foreclose now. There is no possible way itll be paid. All that started whittling away at my armor. I started getting scared of the future again. The hope and excitement i was feeling was quickly being replaced by dread and worry. The same time this was going on my feelings for you grew crazy fast and i didnt know how to handle that. With the prospect of losing everything back on the table i couldnt bear the thought of losing you as well. I changed. So many times i was too petrified to say or do something because I was so scared it would be the wrong thing. Things started feeling tense and awkward and i didn't know what to do. I started feeling that hammer hanging over my head again. I quit being me and started becoming this emotional weakling that second guessed everything, needed constant reassurance, and everything just started going to hell. My confidence was gone and I was left with this scared, confused, and emotional little boy desperately grasping at the greatest treasure he ever found. Knowing i was losing you the whole time (even if i actually wasn't). I didn't handle it well as you know, i went all gollum on you. Eventually you started withdrawing and i cant blame you with the way i was acting. I was getting desperate but there was nothing i could really do, i was way too far gone in my emotions. I kept getting so damn frustrated with myself. I was always confused and my fears were making all kinds of boogeymen pop up. You were right, i was not happy, but it was myself i was not happy with not you. I couldn't really explain that at the time. I couldnt see past all the bullshit. You were also right about me not being ready. I was naive and overconfident. In my defense though I never in a million years dreamed id meet someone like you. I didnt think it was possible for someone to hit so many of my sweet spots at once. I still fully believe we could very well have an awesome relationship. At least if i were more stable. Then we broke up. That was a rough night. I had already been feeling like i was losing you. I had already been filled with so much frustration at myself. You never wrote so i assumed you were busy. No big deal I thought, duty calls. Then midnight rolls around and i still hadn't heard from you. I call and text and no answer. My heart froze and my fear took over completely. I just knew that you were with someone else (even if you actually weren't). I tried interjecting rational thought but my emotions had control and wouldn't let go. When i dropped your stuff off there were tears streaming. I wasn't trying to be a dick or anything. In my mind you had moved on, my pussyfooting around finally ran you off like i knew it would. I was crushed, completely, and it was all in my head. And that brings us to now. I'm about to move out my place. I cant really afford it after the garnishment. Its sad that i make damn good money but still cant survive. That alone is enough to make me say fuck it all. Im torn between heading back to [homestate] saving up some money and trying again or just slumming it in the car like i did the first couple weeks. Im afraid if i go to [homestate] ill never come back though and i really really want to stay here. Living in the car wasnt that horrible and ill be able to save up quick not paying rent.
Now everyone knows theres two sides to every story. This is mine. Factually everything is accurate. When you get to me describing other her intentions well all i can do is guess at that. Its an educated guess, based on many years of observation, but still a guess. I knew from early on my ex was a very troubled person. I knew i needed to get far away from her. She lied about having cancer. Said it was terminal. A couple months later she lied about being pregnant. Then the doctors said she couldnt carry full term and it was either her or the baby. We agonized over that, well at least i did. She wanted to pass and leave me with the baby since she was going anyway.
Those were both in the first year. When i found those out I left her and i had no intentions of coming back. But then it turned out she actually was prego, it was a surprise to her as well. Got a test and it was beyond a doubt mine. When her mom found out (her mom is incredibly abusive, its where she learned it all) she beat her ass and threw her out the door and told her never to come back. She had been with me ever since. My mom wouldnt let her move in, i had to get us a place.
Things were very rough in the first couple years before my career took off. One thing i have not really said much about is my own behavior. Im no shining angel. I did things to hurt her. Nowhere on the level up there but i did. When i moved her in after the prego i was not good to her at all. I had just found out about the cancer lies. I made shure she got to the hospital an hour away every single tues and thurs for almost a year for her treatments. I paid the gas to get there. I paid the deductible. I cried with her as we shaved her head. I held her after she miscarried. I cried so fucking hard at the loss of my fictional child. I dedicated my life to a lie and finding out the truth took away anything i had left. I made her pay. I wasnt exactly abusive. I didnt hit her, yell at her, anything like that. I ignored the fuck out of her. For 3 months the only words i said to her were what i wanted her to do. Grab me a beer, fix dinner, go get this or that, etc. She tried to talk to me id ignore or walk away. I went wherever i wanted and did whatever i wanted. I came home when i wanted. I fucked who i wanted and if she wanted it too just ask. She did and it was angriest and meanest sex ive ever had. She kept asking tho. I made damn sure she knew we were not together and i was only putting up with her because she had my baby in her belly and nowhere else to go.
It was ridiculously cruel. I cant believe that i did that to the woman i loved. I know that hurt her extremely bad and i wish like fuck i could take it back. She was a scared and pregnant 18 year old girl who just got kicked out her house, in a unfamiliar run down place (the trailer i got prob shoulda been condemmed), completely surrounded by my entire family, alone most of the time cause i was off with friends all the time, and apparently totally in love with me. I had passed her test. She had concrete proof that i would do anything in the world for her without batting an eye. Id move mountains with a spoon if she asked. And in getting her proof of that she made damn sure id never feel that way again. I dont think we ever truly trusted each other since. We eventually setted down. For the most part the anger disappeared. There was no doubt wed be having a baby soon. I started concentrating hardcore on my career instead of partying all the time. I busted my ass networking. It took off in no time I started making really good money. We moved into a nice place. I put her in school for nursing. Things were good. We had a decent relationship for the majority of the time. This was probably the happiest time of our entire relationship.
Now i would imagine the number one question on anyones mind is why the fuck did i stay so long? Why did i give her so damn many chances? Why did i keep going back? Why was i there in the first place? I dont honestly know. It was a combination of things. I loved her until the day she betrayed my deepest secret. All im writing about is the horrible shit. I mentioned up there how i felt an instant intense spark when me and my recent ex met. This was the first time i felt that. We fit together like a glove the vast majority of the time. And, even though we tried our hardest to hurt each other every time we turned around, against anyone else we were a team and a strong one at that. It was us against the world and we were determined to win. In a lot of metrics we did. We shared absolutely everything and we were on all the same pages. Again i dont know where it went bad. Somewhere around year 3 i think. I just remembered i did chatch her cheating then. Her phone went off in the middle of the night one time and i looked at it. She had been seeing a guy and telling him about how i was abusive and beat her. She was working her lies on him and he got worked up in the middle of the night and begged her to leave me and come to him. I got to have a nice long chat with him. I dont like remembering that.