Tldr: my wife saw almost 500 new movies this year.
Hello movies, it’s been a crazy year hasn’t it... Theaters are closed, production has (for the most part) ground to a halt and what was scheduled for release has moved to a streaming service or was delayed to next year or both. With the initial quarantine back in March starting I decided to take this unprecedented opportunity to give my wife the catch-up she desperately needed since she didn’t watch very many movies growing up.
A little backstory, she grew up in a home where many movies were forbidden for religious reasons and as a result just never became a cinephile. She saw many Disney movies and a few random others but missed a vast majority of cinemas best (and worst). On the flip side I grew up near a regular theater and a dollar theater and saw a ton of films as a kid and teen, I’d regularly go on weekends or skip school for a triple feature or catch the last showing of something every night of the week.
We’ve been together for almost 11 years now and she would go see anything and everything with me. All the Marvel movies, action comedies, sci fi, animation, whatever... but her movie knowledge is fairly contained within the last decade. So when I got laid off and she began working from home we decided to see how many new movies we could see during this Covid mess.
We defined “New” as anything we had both never seen or anything she had never seen and I hadn’t seen in 10+ years since we met. Since mid March we have managed to watch 500 movies and in the process learn a few things about her individual tastes and the kinds of movies we enjoy watching as a couple the most. I’m going to drop a list of everything we saw, after the list I’ll highlight a few hidden gems we both loved...
Dr No. - From Russia With Love - Thunderball - You Only Live Twice - Goldfinger - On Her Majesty’s Secret Service - Diamonds Are Forever Never Say Never Again - Live and Let Die - The Man With the Golden Gun - For Your Eyes Only - The Spy Who Loved Me - Moonraker - Octopussy - A View to a Kill - The living Daylights - License to Kill - Goldeneye - Tomorrow Never Dies - The World Is Not Enough - Die Another Day - Casino Royale - Quantum of Solace - Skyfall - Spectre - Enter the Dragon - Way of the Dragon - The Big Boss - Fist of Fury - Game of Death - Bruce Lee: The Man, The Myth - Bruce Lee: The Legend - The Birds - Dora and the Lost City of Gold - The Brady Bunch Movie - A Very Brady Sequel - Planes, Trains, and Automobiles - Kingpin - Leave It To Beaver - Speed - Cuban Fury - Adventures of Robin Hood (1938) - Weird Science - Keeping Up With the Joneses - Blades of Glory - Zoolander - Semi-Pro - So I Married An Axe Murderer - Disaster Movie - Oceans 11 - Dude, Where’s My Car? - Undercover Brother - Superstar - Zombieland - Men In Black: International - Snatch - Earth Girls Are Easy - Mystery Team - Once Upon A Time In Hollywood - Rush Hour - Miss Congeniality - Pitch Perfect 3 - There’s Something About Mary - Gone in 60 Seconds - Young Frankenstein - 300 - Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse - Wayne’s World - Wayne’s World 2 - Rocketman - Beverly Hills Ninja - Murder on the Orient Express - Friday - 9 to 5 - Drunken Master - The Naked Gun - Baywatch - Forbidden Planet - Baseketball - Hot Shots - Hot Shots: Part Deux - Anchors Aweigh - Mamma Mia - Tommy Boy - Clue - Dumb and Dumber - Monty Python’s Meaning of Life - Monty Python’s Life of Brian - Rango - Sausage Party - Broken Lizard’s Club Dredd - Flintstones - A Knights Tale - Stuck on You - Coneheads - Land of the Lost - Police Academy - Police Academy 2: The First Mission - A Night At the Roxbury - Holmes and Watson - Anchorman - Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues - Talladega Nights: Ballad of Ricky Bobby - Osmosis Jones - Venom - Sherlock Gnomes - Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery - Austin Powers 2: The Spy Who Shagged Me - Austin Powers 3: Goldmember - Mystery Men - Star Wars Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker - Escape From New York - Escape From LA - Napoleon Dynamite - Total Recall - Major Payne - Mars Attacks - Shaolin Soccer - Let’s Be Cops - The Great Outdoors - Smokey and the Bandit - Smokey and the Bandit - Kicking and Screaming - Kiss Me Kate - The Spy Who Dumped Me - The House - The Wiz - Shaolin vs Lama - Close Encounters of the Third Kind - Kung Fu Gold - Smokey and the Bandit Part 3 - Saturday Night Fever - 48 Hrs - Another 48 Hrs - Enter the Invincible Hero - Ip Man - Shaolin Drunk Fighter - The Great Wall - Smokin’ Aces - Down Periscope - The Naked Gun 2 1/2: The Smell of Fear - Hero - The Towering Inferno - The Sitter - Isn’t It Romantic - Jackie Chan’s First Strike - The Dead Don’t Die - Shallow Hal - Kiss of the Dragon - Rapid Fire - The Invincible Armour - Innerspace - Date Movie - The Lost World (1960) - It Came From Outer Space (1953) - The Body Snatcher (1954) - Time Bandits - Bad Times at the El Royale - The Shadow - A Fantastic Fear of Everything - The Ladykillers - Flash Gordon - Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult - Robin Hood (2018) - Enemy of the State - Kill Bill Vol 1 - Kill Bill Vol 2 - Some Like It Hot - She’s Working Her Way Through College - Stir Crazy - Zombieland: Double Tap - Mystery House - Jet Li’s Fearless - Desperado - Ed TV - Ready Player One - Shaolin Kung Fu Mystagogue - Back to the Future - Back to the Future II - Back to the Future III - Tango & Cash - The Burbs - Sherlock Holmes: Terror by Night - Casablanca - Circle of Iron - Beavis and Butt-Head Do America - Missing in Action - Missing in Action 2: The Beginning - National Treasure - Shaolin Fighters Vs Ninja - Fast Times at Ridgemont High - The Running Man - Little Cigars - Legion of Iron - Green Dragon Inn - The Warriors - High Anxiety - Joe Versus the Volcano - Chinese Hercules - Predator - Predator 2 - Coming To America - Legend - Five Kung Fu Daredevil Heroes - Pretty In Pink - Timecop - The Castle of Fu Manchu - Gator - The Mystery of Mr Wong - Robocop - Double Teamed - The Forbidden Kingdom - Sharknado - Sharknado 2: The Second One - Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! - Meatballs - Young Guns - The Addams Family (2019) - I Come In Peace - Masters of the Universe - Conan the Barbarian - Demolition Man - Sudden Death - The Heat - I’m Gonna Git You Sucka - Mortal Kombat - Unleashed - Curse of the Swamp Creature - The Cabinet of Dr Caligari - Messages from Space - John Carpenter’s The Thing - Stroker Ace - Dragnet - Of Cooks and Kung Fu - To Be Or Not To Be - Silver Streak - The Hustle - Sixteen Candles - Young Tiger - The Spy Next Door - Half Baked - Funny Girl - Phase IV - Point Break - Tank Girl - Universal Soldier - Conan the Destroyer - Lethal Weapon - Gojira - The Deadly Silver Spear - Car Wash - Hard Target - Big Trouble in Little China - Blade - Looper - Five Fingers of Steel - Clash of the Titans (1981) - Blade II: Bloodhunt - Showdown in Little Tokyo - Journey to the West: Conquering the Demons - Enter the Fat Dragon - UHF - The Falcon in Danger - Roadhouse - The Falcon Strikes Back - The Falcon and the Co-Eds - The Falcon Out West - Jumanji: The Next Level - Cyborg - Masterminds -?The Falcon in Mexico - The Falcon in Hollywood - The Falcon in San Francisco - Blade: Trinity - The Falcon’s Alibi - The Falcon’s Adventure - Dick Tracy, Detective - The Ape - Big - What We Do In The Shadows - The Departed - Gemini Man - Crippled Avengers - Camp Takota - Dick Tracy vs Cueball - Brightburn - Kickboxer - The Five Venoms - The Weird Man - Hellbound - Assassins Creed - The Flag of Iron - Trolls: World Tour - Masked Avengers - Dick Tracy’s Dilemma - Dick Tracy Meets Gruesome - Upgrade - The Cabin in the Woods - True Lies - The Maltese Falcon - Last Action Hero - Espionage in Tangiers - The Man From U.N.C.L.E - Saving Silverman - Dead End - Breakfast at Tiffany’s - Showtime - The Dark Tower - Tomb Raider - Five Elements Ninjas - Cherry 2000 - Johnny Cool - Freaks - Phantom Raiders - Wonder Park - Running Scared - The Bad News Bears - Cat People - The Happytime Murders - Double Impact - Murder, My Sweet - Tammy and the T-Rex - The House With a Clock in Its Walls - War - Street Fighter - Ex Machina - Attack The Block - The Avenging Eagle - Jexi - Ghost - Bad Girls From Mars - Cook Off! - Alita: Battle Angel - The Blob - Invasion U.S.A. - Journey Into Fear - Sharknado: The Fourth Awakens - Barb Wire - Cloverfield - Searching - Death Warrant - Invasion of the Body Snatchers (‘78) - Critical Condition - Stan & Ollie - Mystery in Mexico - Slaughterhouse Rulez - The Adventures of Prince Achmed - The Crawling Eye - Beyond a Reasonable Doubt - Chinatown - The Fly - Stagecoach - The Replacement Killers - Ishtar - The Jesus Rolls - The Getaway - Sky Murder - Action Jackson - Snake Eyes - Sharknado 5: Global Swarming - The Last Sharknado: It’s About Time - G.I. Joe: The Movie - Bad Boys - Bad Boys II - Bad Boys For Life - Movie Struck - Bohemian Rhapsody - Spies in Disguise - Blacula - Zis Boom Bah - Rock ‘n’ Roll High School - Hong Kong Confidential - Judge Dredd - Dick Tracy (1990) - The Cool and The Crazy - Die Hard - Queen of Outer Space - In Bruges - Armored Car Robbery - Fargo - Not So Dumb - Old Dracula - Creature From the Black Lagoon - The Invisible Man - The Green Slime - Don’t Breathe - Tenet - Vampyr - The Haunting - Scream Blacula Scream - The Monster Squad - The Cat and the Canary - Halloweentown - Halloweentown II: Kalabar’s Revenge - Scoob - The Mummy (1959) - A Quiet Place - The Haunted Mansion - Halloweentown High - Mom’s Got A Date With A Vampire - Plan 9 From Outer Space - Trick ‘r’ Treat - Lemora: The Lady Dracula - Under Wraps - The Little Shop of Horrors (1960) - The Mad Monster (1942) - Carnival of Souls - Happy Death Day - The Craft - Scream - Rear Window - Yongary, Monster From the Deep - Snakes On A Plane - Cosmic Monsters - The Comedy of Terrors - Killers From Space - Friday the 13th - House on Haunted Hill - The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eighth Dimension - Roald Dahl’s The Witches - The Lost Boys - Attack of the Puppet People - Ready or Not - Return to Halloweentown - Mr. Boogedy - Early Man - Howard the Duck - Dr Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine - Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot - Good Boys - Sky High - We Bare Bears the Movie - Raising Arizona - Book Club - Ferdinand - Police Story - The Wolf of Wall Street - Casino Royale (‘67) - CB4 - Xanadu - Johnny Mnemonic - Slumber Party Massacre - Regular Show: The Movie - Our Man Flint - Psycho - Saturday the 14th - Journey to the Center of Time - Playing With Fire - Stuber - In Like Flint - Bill & Ted Face the Music - The Birdcage - The Big Sleep - Sonic the Hedgehog - Life Stinks - Dr Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs - Happy Death Day 2 U - Freejack - The Brain that Wouldn’t Die - Collision Course - Almost Heroes - The Trouble With Spies - North By Northwest - Birds of Prey: And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn - The Man Who Knew Too Much - Jingle All the Way - Mexican Spitfire - The 6th Day - Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang - Deck the Halls - Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town - The Leprechauns’ Christmas Gold - The Iron Giant - Elf - It Happened on 5th Avenue - Jack Frost - The First Christmas: The Story of the First Christmas Snow - The Year Without a Santa Claus - Pinocchio’s Christmas - Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer - The Shop Around The Corner - Snow Day - Frozen 2 - Scrooged - The Polar Express - Rudolph and Frosty’s Christmas in July - Rise of the Guardians - Trapped in Paradise - Elf: Buddy’s Musical Christmas - Jack Frost (‘98) - Christmas with the Kranks - Nestor, The Long Eared Christmas Donkey - Dr. Seuss’ The Grinch - Santa Claus Conquers the Martians - Wonder Woman 1984 - The Wizard - Small Foot - Mom and Dad Save the World
I’ve noticed that my wife seems to prefer old movies to new ones (overall). Some Like It Hot became an instant favorite for her... She also loved seeing things like Freaks or the Hitchcock films that get referenced a lot. She’s like Captain America pointing out all the references she gets now. We also found out she loves James Bond (mostly older ones), she doesn’t hate Will Farrell as much as she thought (or at all really), she loves bad/old/obscure movies, scary movies aren’t as scary as she thought they’d be, and that she’s basically Jennifer Anniston’s character from Office Space with her crazy love for old Kung Fu.
As far as random recommendations my wife wanted to shout out all the Falcon films, Our Man Flint and In Like Flint, and Tammy & The T-Rex. I wanted to shout out The Forbidden Kingdom, Dr Goldfoot and The Bikini Girls & Dr Goldfoot and The Girl Bombs, and Old Dracula. If anybody wants to just talk movies I always welcome
I can’t wait to expand her movie history in this coming year, there’s always plenty of bad obscure movies but now that she is into it it’s time to bring out the heavy hitters. Godfather, Jaws, Alien, Citizen Cane, Clockwork Orange, 2001 A Space Odyssey and more are still in the pipeline... If you’re still with me here I want to sincerely thank you for reading about our journey this year. I love you movies, and I hope y’all have a wonderfully cinematic 2021.

I held up my boarding pass and walked through the gate. My wife, Harper, was right ahead of me, and we both were so loaded with bags and suitcases that we could barely fit between the doorways. Our 10th anniversary was in a couple of days. We both had come into agreement that there was no better way to celebrate than to go on an all-expense-paid cruise to Hawaii.
As we made it up to the deck, we marveled at all the entertainment. There was a band playing to greet us. Pools, water slides, mini-golf, a drive-in sized screen that was displaying boarding information, bars, and restaurants, and that was just what we could see while walking in! This was definitely the right choice for our anniversary vacation. I couldn’t wait to get these bags unloaded and start to enjoy ourselves.
We went into the doors that led to the cabins. There was another beautiful bar down below us. There was a sports bar to the left showing the games on different screens and a small library to our right. Before we made it to the cabins, there was a coffee bar that served specialty coffees and desserts. If religion has it right, I hope that heaven is something like this. You couldn’t walk through a door anywhere without finding something exciting.
Once we made it to our cabin, we dropped all our bags and looked at each other with stars in our eyes. I pulled my wife close for a kiss and then kept my arms around her. I asked eagerly about how we should begin.
“Well, what should we do first? The casino? The arcade?”
She smirked before replying.
“Such a man, don’t forget about the fine dining at 6, followed by the show at the Theatre.”
I drew back and acted faux offended.
“Are you insinuating that I have no culture? I made our reservations before we even boarded, don’t worry. Dinner isn’t for a long time though, how about we go get some of those tacos and a coffee to get ourselves going.”
“Now you’re speaking my language.” She replied with a grin.
“Let’s unpack later. I am starving, and I think that coffee bar right there makes caramel macchiatos.”
Her eyes lit up yet again as I grabbed her hand, and we rushed towards the door. The coffee bar did have macchiatos, which I got with an extra shot of espresso. She ordered a frozen drink that was more sweetness than coffee, and we made our way back onto the deck where the tacos awaited.
The weather was beautiful. It was Fall time, and the sun was just warm enough to be inviting, accompanied by the blissful breeze that blew along the top of the deck. As we drew near to Tito’s Taco Shop, we heard the captain coming through the loudspeakers announcing takeoff. He reminded us about the mandatory safety meeting in a couple of hours and then wished us to have a great time aboard the ship.
It was still strange to be in large groups of people without wearing a mask. The pandemic was finally eradicated once the vaccines were distributed. The cruise and tourism industries were hit hard, as were many others. It seemed that people were at last willing to come back out again, and there was no shortage of cruise-goers ready for a trip to the islands.
I had my phone out and was looking up things to do in Honolulu for the days that we were in port. Scuba diving was a must. I had heard that sometimes you could see sharks or even hold an octopus on your hand if you got lucky enough. I wanted to do some hiking near the volcanoes if we had time. All the spam was going to be strange, but as much as they cook with it, I bet they were able to make it taste like a delicacy.
They were in the process of building a new aquarium. It looked like it was going to be a huge one. Sadly, it did not look like it would be done in time for us to check it out. The black sands beach looked incredible, though. Instead of sand, it said that the whole beach was covered in smooth black lava rocks. We would definitely have to make a stop there.
“Ethan! Do you want salsa on your tacos? Chicken or steak?”
I put my phone away and looked at the meats before responding and did so to the guy who was making them as he finished up my wife’s two glorious looking tacos.
“I’ll take one of both with some of that green salsa. Thank you!”
All the free tacos that you could eat, why couldn’t life always be like that?
“Let’s sit over there by the side, so we can watch the takeoff,” Harper said, before taking a big sip of her frozen coffee.
We took a seat and took in the last sight of land that we would see for about 4 days. Once we arrived, we would tour the different islands, stopping at each port and having a day to explore. There were some people on land waving towards the ship. We joined many others who were near the side waving back. I couldn’t help but feel bad for all of those poor people stuck on the land.
“Bon Voyage to us, I guess.”
I held up my coffee for a cheers, and Harper returned the gesture. Her face was glowing. I couldn’t remember seeing her so happy since the day of our wedding.
“This is really going to be a nice break from reality.” She said as she picked up her taco to take her first bite.
“Yeah, it will. Nothing like this in the world.”
We took our time, enjoying each bite as our view of the coastline became a thing of the past. When we were finished, we looked into each other’s eyes. I reached across the table to hold her hand. She sounded a bit anxious as she spoke.
“It is a lot to take in, isn’t it? There is so much to do that I’m afraid of missing out on something. Where should we go first?”
I squeezed her hand and spoke in a reassuring tone.
“We have plenty of time to take it all in. Let’s just make sure to relax and do whatever makes us happy. It will all work itself out.”
Once we had our fill of gazing into the ocean, we decided that we would head back to the room and get unpacked, while we waited for the safety orientation. The time flew by, and before we knew it, they were calling our section over the loudspeaker.
We arrived with all the other passengers and waited for a moment until the crew member made it so we could begin. They gave us the spiel about the life jackets. They explained how the evacuation process works in case of a problem and let us hear a sample of the siren that would be played if there was an emergency.
I was zoning out and staring out of the window. We were near the bottom of the ship, and you could see the water moving beside us. It put me in a bit of a trance, and I kind of lost myself in it for a moment. I was snapped out of it when I saw something I couldn’t quite comprehend.
It happened pretty fast, and most of the people were looking at the crew member as he spoke. I could have been mistaking, but It looked like a giant tentacle had moved by the window and curled out of sight.
I looked around to see if anyone else had seen what I thought I just saw. There was a teenaged boy who looked excited and shocked. He was tugging at his father’s sleeve and explaining something to him. He seemed to brush him off and looked frustrated at the interruption. Everyone else was paying attention to the speech and had apparently not seen a thing.
Harper noticed how shaken I was and asked me quietly if everything was alright. I shook it off and said I would tell her about it later. We sat through the rest of the orientation. Nothing else went by the window, other than the waves being made by the ship.
As we arrived back on the deck, we were grabbing a drink from the tiki-themed bar. Harper chose one of those blue drinks with the little umbrella on top. After what I had seen, I opted for a straight glass of their best scotch. I had explained my story to her, and she was busy trying to figure out what it could have been that I saw.
“So, you’re sure it was all the way up by the window? Even at that lower level, that must be pretty high up from the water. Maybe it was something that crawled up the side, and it just seemed like it was larger because of forced-perspective?”
I took a big sip of my scotch and shook my head in confusion.
“Yeah, I mean, maybe. I really don’t know.”
She looked as if a light bulb went off in her head, and she shot back a smart remark.
“You’ve been reading a bunch of that H. P. Lovecraft stuff again, haven’t you? I’m sure it wasn’t Cthulhu if that’s what you are thinking.”
I laughed and felt my tension release.
“No, it’s not that. I just thought it was weird, that’s all. Enough about that, let’s figure out what we’re going to do until the formal dinner and play tonight.”
She responded with a grin.
“I seem to remember someone mentioning the arcade and the casino.”
I must have looked like a kid on Christmas morning because she burst out laughing. We finished our drinks and made our way past the large screen that was now cycling through reminders of all the different events that you could attend. Night club, comedy club, it seemed like there was no end to the number of things you could do on this ship.
We walked through the casino that was already bustling with cruise-goers. It looked like a good time. They even had versions of those toy cranes that were set up to pick up huge wads of cash. That might be the next stop, but I had my eyes set on the zombie shooter game with two green guns. The arcade was right past the casino and was full of all kinds of games to keep us entertained.
Not as many people were eager to jump straight for the arcade apparently. Harper and I had the whole place to ourselves. I went to the coin machine to get out some tokens. There was a door that read “Staff Only” right by the machine. I heard a loud slamming noise that caught my attention, even over the music that was playing in the arcade. I leaned in a little and heard a heated conversation on the other side.
“This is so fucked up. I can’t believe that they got loose. They need to tell all of the people!”
“Can you imagine the chaos that would cause? I get where you are coming from, trust me. It’s better this way, though.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right… People would be going crazy.”
The door opened, and I jumped as I was still leaning in to eavesdrop. This must have been apparent to the two kids who walked out because they looked a bit frightened and then hurried right past me. I grabbed the tokens out of the machine and walked over to the machine where my wife was waiting.
“You look like you just saw a ghost or something. Don’t tell me some fish people are walking around on board now.”
I couldn’t even fake a laugh or smile. I explained what I had just heard as I put the coins into the machine and started up the game. She did not seem concerned about the new development.
“They could have been talking about a mechanical issue or something. Try not to worry too much. We deserve to have the time of our lives on this trip. I don’t want you to start to obsess on this and lose sight of why we are here.”
I shrugged at this and answered in a resigned tone.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right. Worrying isn’t going to fix anything anyway. Could you please start taking out some of these zombies, though? I’m carrying the whole game over here. You have a power-up to use, hit the red button.”
She smacked me with the gun for talking trash, but the mood felt much lighter after that. Before long, we grew tired of the arcade and decided to play a few games at the casino. I have never been the best card player, and she was no better than me. This being the case, we opted for the giant money claw machine.
I swear that both of us grabbed a stack a handful of times each. The claw would never hold its grip, though. Feeling more than a little bit scammed, we decided to blow a bit of time at the slots until we had to go get ready for dinner. As soon as we sat down, the person who went on the money claw right behind us exclaimed loudly as the machine lit up and started to make a loud ringing noise. I looked over to Harper and gestured towards him.
“That seems about right, huh? We pump fifty dollars into that thing, and he walks away with a jackpot after one.”
“Such is life.” She responded as she pumped some tokens into the slot machine.
I couldn’t help but hear two guys on some machines behind us, as they were beginning to get a bit rowdy with each other.
“You tryin’ to say I don’t know what I saw man?”
His friend responded quickly.
“No, no, no, man. I’m not trying to say you’re seeing things or whatever else. I’m just saying that it’s crazy. There is no way it can be right!”
After this, the first man shot up out of his seat, knocking over his stool as he did. This caused quite the scene, and many people were starting to gaze in the direction now.
“Yeah, that’s alright. You think whatever the hell you want. I’m gonna go find someone to talk to about it right now!”
He stormed off, leaving his friend looking a bit shell-shocked and embarrassed. Harper looked toward me, and as if reading her mind, I pushed my seat back away from the machine.
“Yeah, let’s get out of here. We need to get ready for dinner.”
She raised her eyebrows in surprise at what we had just witnessed and responded.
“Sounds good to me. I haven’t won anything anyway. Let’s go.”
I looked back towards the guy’s friend, who he left standing there. After considering it for a moment, I leaned in towards my wife.
“You go ahead, I’ll catch up with you in just a second.”
She looked a bit frustrated but did not fight it.
“Hurry up, I want to make sure we get a good seat. It’s going to take us a while to get ready.”
She kissed me on the cheek and took off towards the deck, which led over towards the cabins. I walked up towards the man who was about to walk off before I caught his attention.
“Excuse me, sir? I overheard you and your friend. What was it that he thinks he saw?”
He looked at me warily. It was clear that he really didn’t want to discuss the matter.
“Look, he’s usually not like that, you know? I don’t know what’s gotten into him, honestly.”
I shook my head. He obviously didn’t understand why I was asking.
“No, I saw something strange as well. I’m not trying to say your friend is going crazy at all. I was just wondering what it is that he was saying he saw.”
This seemed to unnerve him more than help calm his nerves. He looked around to make sure nobody was listening in.
“Man, he was saying that he saw a giant fucking octopus, bro. Like, 30 feet long or so is how he was describing it. It’s ridiculous, there is no way they would allow something like that on one of these ships.”
My heart dropped all the way to my feet. I covered my mouth, and I think he could tell by my reaction that what he said had rocked me to the core. I stammered and managed a weak reply as horror rushed through my body.
“I..I… On the boat??”
He nodded and looked at me with the same type of concern he had been showing to his friend. My face must have been as white as a sheet at this point.
“Thanks.”
I took off out of the door, in a huge rush to catch up with Harper. I was looking around in a panic, my heart racing and ready to beat right out of my chest. I was about to just take off to the room when I heard Harper’s voice.
“Ethan! Over here, I grabbed some hot tea.”
I saw her over by the edge of the deck, waving me over. I ran up to her and could hardly focus.
“I thought you needed something to help you relax, and it looks like I was right. What are you freaking out about right now?”
I tried to collect my thoughts and was going to respond when she pointed behind me and cut me off.
“Hey, isn’t that the guy that was just going nuts in the casino?”
I turned around, and the man was being dragged towards a door that was marked “Employees Only”. Two larger deckhands were pulling him that way, each with a tight grip on one of his arms. He was fighting hard to try and break their hold and calling out for help. As they made it through the door with the man, I grabbed Harper by the shoulders and looked into her eyes.
“We have to go. Let’s get to the room, I don’t want to explain out here.”
She nodded, and we made our way towards the cabins. Once we were in our own cabin, she put down the hot teas on our dresser and walked right up to me with an exasperated look on her face.
“Babe, what in the heck is going on right now? This isn’t about the freaking tentacle that you saw out the window, is it?”
I looked shiftily around the room and towards our view of the ocean.
“Yes… I mean, no… Well, not really, anyway.”
“You have got to calm down. Just take a deep breath and explain.”
I did as she suggested and took a long deep breath to collect my thoughts. I told her about what the guy’s friend had said back at the casino. She made the connection between this and the man being dragged off the deck against his will. I also explained what I heard from the crew members when we were at the arcade. I could tell she was beginning to take what I was saying seriously.
I looked off into a corner as I made a connection. It seemed like a bit of a stretch to me, but it was the only thing I could think of. I know that she wouldn’t judge me at this point if it sounded a bit outlandish. After thinking it over for a moment, I decided to tell her what I was thinking.
“When I was looking for things to do in Honolulu earlier, there was an advertisement for a new aquarium that was coming soon. One of the main attractions was that they were going to have a bunch of Giant Pacific Octopi.
I didn’t think about it until now, but what if that is what is on this ship? Let me google it really quick, I had never heard of that type of octopus, so I didn’t think much of it.”
I got the search pulled up and nodded in a cold understanding before continuing.
“This is exactly what that guy was describing. I don’t know why they would use a cruise ship to deliver something like that. It’s the only thing that makes any sense right now, though.”
Harper was looking at the google search thoughtfully and responded.
“I mean, I guess that these were two of the hardest-hit economies during the pandemic, tourism, and cruise ships. It makes some kind of twisted sense that they would come together to try and help each other out. Octopi are known to be very mischievous, even when they aren’t the size of a freaking semi-trailer.”
She made a good point. Nothing had really made sense for a few years now with how crazy the world had been. This made as much sense as anything else when it was put into perspective. I just shook my head in amazement and looked towards her.
“Well, what do we do from here?”
“I know this is crazy, but I’m sure they will have a handle on those things. They would not have arranged to have them on board and not prepared for the possibility that they could escape.
I say we get ready and go to dinner as we had planned. We don’t want to spend our whole 10th-anniversary cruise holed-up in the cabin. Even if all this crazy guesswork is correct, and that is what the guy from the casino saw, I’m sure that they have everything under control.”
I pressed my fingers against my eyes and tried to wrap my mind around everything. I may have been scared out of my mind, but she was right. Our best bet was to hope that it was all under control and at least try to enjoy our time on the ship. This was not going to happen again anytime soon, if ever.
“Yeah. Let’s do that, I agree. Let’s just get dressed and try to have a good time. I’m sure if it was too bad, everyone would be on lockdown or something.”
She brightened up a bit with my saying this. We both went into our luggage and began to start the process of getting changed into our formal dining attire. Before long, I was tying the knot in my tie, and she was putting the final touches on her hair. I walked up behind her in the mirror and held her by the shoulders.
“You look incredible. Let’s go and have the time of our lives.”
She gave me a big smile, and I pulled her in for a kiss. I backed up and held out my arm towards her. As she grabbed onto it, we made our way for the door.
The formal dining room was the most luxurious area on the ship by far. Chandeliers hung from the ceiling. There were large wine racks along many of the walls, and the entire dining room was walled in by the most beautiful windows that I had ever seen. There was an ornate window on the ceiling as well. It was just beginning to get dark, and I was sure that soon we would be able to see the stars all across the sky.
The waiter walked up and asked what we would like to drink. He was dressed in a black vest with a bow tie and a white shirt. I told him that we would take a bottle of wine that he recommended. I also asked him to give me a recommendation for my meal. Once Harper heard his suggestion of parmesan encrusted lamb with asparagus, she decided that she would follow suit.
He brought out some bread with olive oil as a complimentary appetizer to go with our wine. As he poured our first glasses and set the bottle down, I grabbed my glass of wine and held it up toward my beautiful wife. She looked every bit as lovely as the day of our wedding, and I was flooded with a flurry of emotions as I said my toast.
“Here is to 10 amazing years. Every one of them has been an adventure, and I look forward to every year that I’ll be lucky enough to spend with you as we continue that adventure.”
She smiled and blushed ever so slightly as she reached her glass to clink off of mine. We both took a sip, and she responded in a relieved manner.
“That’s the spirit, it is starting to actually feel like a relaxing vacation.”
“Hey, that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? It’s so nice to have a break from work, housework, and all the monotony of the day-to-day. We make a pretty good team through all of that drudgery, though. Don’t you think?”
Suddenly, I saw the smile get wiped from her face. The look that crept onto her face was one of sheer terror. Her glass of wine had been in her hand. When her face went from delight to horror, she tossed it on the ground with a crash. A scream came from deep within her, which was blood-curdling and intimated that absolute ruin was imminent.
I turned toward the spot that she was staring at. I understood all at once the doom that awaited all of us in the dining room. A giant octopus came crashing through the windows near the entrance where we all had arrived, knocking over the many racks of wine as it came and turning the floor as red as blood. Seemingly at the same time, another came from the side closest to the ocean and blocked the only other way out of the dining room into the kitchen.
I grabbed Harper’s arm, and we ran toward the corner as far from the beasts as we could manage. It was pandemonium as the whole dining room erupted into turmoil. I flipped a circle table up against the corner so that Harper and I could try to hide behind it for protection.
I saw one man who ran as fast as he could towards a small opening next to the octopus, who was blocking the main entrance. The creature reached a giant tentacle out for him and pulled him into his beak. There were shrieking howls of pain, unlike anything I have ever heard as blood sprayed out from underneath.
A couple of people were able to dart around as the octopus was distracted. Another unfortunate lady was grabbed by one of the spare tentacles, though. He squeezed her around the throat, and we had to watch as her face turned purple. Eventually, the life was squeezed right from her body.
I held Harper tight as she was sobbing like mad and unable to stop her body from shaking. We saw an opening. The one by the front entrance went toward a group of people on the opposite side of the room. As soon as it did, we bolted for the door. As we drew near, another octopus came crashing through the window on the ceiling, crushing a few unfortunate souls as it joined in the massacre. We kept running until we were well onto the deck.
The chaos did not stop in the dining room. People were running like mad all over the deck. I didn’t know where we would be safe, but I thought that maybe we could lock ourselves in our cabin until we could be rescued from this madness. It was a nice thought, but as we went for the doors, another one of those damn things came down to block our way.
We ran for the area in front of the drive-in style screen where Re-Animator was playing. A man was gibbering to himself in a wild manner and hiding behind a chair. As we drew near, I noticed a tear in the screen as another one came through and snatched the man up as he yelled out for help.
Our options for safety were becoming extremely limited. We ran for the bar where we jumped over the top and hid with a large group of people, peaking over to watch it all unfold. That was when we saw what I knew would be the end of us all. There was an army of them descending upon us. I held Harper tight as we waited on the inevitable.
I watched as a family of three were huddling together in the middle of the deck. They were almost surrounded, but the father pushed the mother and child toward an opening so that they could make it to safety with the rest of us. He let out a guttural cry as they ripped him to shreds. His little girl cried in a high-pitched squeal reaching for him until the mother grabbed her and ran towards us.
The mother was getting close when one of the monstrous creatures came hurtling behind her. As she noticed, she reached out with her daughter. I leaned out over the bar and grabbed onto her as the octopus reached the mother and held her tightly. I was pulling my hardest as the mother was holding on tight, and I hoped that they both might be saved.
I was punching and pulling at the tentacles and doing my best to cause him to let the mother go. She released her daughter, and the others brought her down behind the bar. I wouldn’t let go of her mother’s arms as she cried out in distress.
That was when I heard it. It was the deepest and most powerful sound that I have ever heard. It shook the ship violently. The bottles of liquor and glasses were falling all around us. It was hard to describe the immense strength and power that the sound exhibited all around us. When the sound came, though, something strange began to happen.
The octopus that held the child’s mother released her, and we pulled her behind the bar with us quickly. She fell to her daughter and clutched her tightly as they wept in each other’s arms. All of the creatures began to release the people that they were attacking. They were moving in unison towards the edges of the ship. They crawled over the side, and one by one, they made their way into the ocean.
Once all the monsters had left the ship, the people made their way slowly to the side to see what was happening. For some reason, they were all leaving. As quickly as they had descended upon us, they left us. It appeared to be almost in a synchronized manner. They all were swimming in the same direction, and we watched in disbelief. Nobody aboard this ship would ever be the same if they made it out alive, but many of us were saved by what could only be described as a call. A call that came from something massive, much larger than the creatures that had plagued us. It was a call that came from deep within the ocean and was more monstrous than anything that we could have ever imagined.

Thursday, August 27th:

• Drive-In Movie Night: "Space Jam", August 27 Swackhammer, an evil alien theme park owner, needs a new attraction at Moron Mountain. When his gang, the Nerdlucks, heads to Earth to kidnap Bugs Bunny and the Looney Tunes, Bugs challenges them to a basketball game to determine their fate. The aliens agree, but they steal the powers of NBA basketball players, including Larry Bird and Charles Barkley, so Bugs gets some help from superstar Michael Jordan. Rated PG, The Shops at Farmington Valley, 110 Albany Tpke. Canton, 8:45pm, $25 per car

Friday, August 28th:

• Summer Concert Series, August 28 Friday night summer music series, a seasonal tradition of music, food and wine. Stonington Vineyards welcomes the area's best acts for a relazing evening of music on the outdoor patio. Guests are invited to bring lawn chairs, blankets and light bites to enjoy. Reservations must be purchased in advance. No admissions at the door. Whisker Fish, GIRLS ON THE RUN, Stonington Vineyards, 523 Taugwonk Rd. Stonington, CT , 6PM-9PM, $10
• Drive-In Movie Night: "Shazam!", August 28 A boy is given the ability to become an adult superhero in times of need with a single magic word. Rated PG-13, The Shops at Farmington Valley, 110 Albany Tpke. Canton, CT, 8:45pm, $25 per car.
• Twilight Concerts on the Farm, August 28th, The Tom Petty Project Impacting the course of Rock n Roll history, Tom Petty’s roots-rock guitar sound rose from the new-wave moment in the late 1970’s. Hits like “Free Fallin,” “Last Dance with Mary Jane,” “I Won’t Back Down,” “Learning to Fly” and so many more are ingrained in music history. The Tom Petty Project is a project of musicians from several bands in NY and CT who have come together to celebrate the music of Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. “We do our best to represent the music of one of the best songwriters and bands the world has ever known.” Members include: Pete Najarian (Lead Vocals and Guitar), Phil Lopresti (Lead Guitar and Backing Vocals), Scott Persson (Drums and Backing Vocals), Mark Bridgman (Bass and Backing Vocals), and Glenn Cavazzi (Keyboards).Located at South Farms, the show takes place on over 10 acres of manicured farmland. The venue boasts a beautifully structured grid layout, adhering to public health guidelines while still maintaining the intimacy of live concerts. The vast spacing and outdoor conditions (open air) help reduce potential transmission and encourage social distancing. Guests are welcome to bring lawn chairs and blankets for comfortable seating and enjoying the farm field. Outside food and beverages are prohibited. Food trucks and a full bar will be available on site. Masks are not required within the guest grid. Hand sanitizing stations will be dispersed throughout the venue. High-touch areas such as door handles, counter surfaces will be regularly and consistently disinfected throughout the show. Restrooms will be cleaned and restocked regularly throughout the show. Everyone entering the venue, including guests, artists, crew and staff will be health checked including a temperature check and short questionnaire. Presented by the Palace Theater of Waterbury, Premier Concerts and Manic Presents. South Farms, 21 Higbie Rd, Morris, CT, 5pm, $20

Saturday, August 29th:

• Corn Maze: "Thank You Our Heroes", August 29 - November 1 Theme: “Thank You Our Heroes,” an appreciation for our Frontline Workers. The iconic Statue of Liberty, a symbol that unites all Americans, is adorned with a giant Heart, the symbol that universally stands for our show of thanks and appreciation for our Frontline Workers during this COVID-19 coronavirus pandemic. You will learn about nurses, medical professionals, EMT’s, fire fighters, charitable organizations, and more. The Corn Maze is four acres, and there is a total of one mile of paths and hundreds of decision points. There are 10 positions in the Maze which coincide with 10 multiple choice questions on a passport that guides the visitors, if you answer correctly you go the right way, if you answer incorrectly you get lost!. The passports have multiple themes, you can choose the subject that most interests you. We staff the Maze with Corn Cops who are there to assist as needed. The average time needed to navigate the entire Maze is 30-40 minutes. The Maze is interactive, engaging and fun for all ages. Donations This is our 21st Corn Maze. Since 2000, we have donated $1 of every ticket sold to the American Cancer Society. The accumulative total coming into this year is $623,315. In addition, this will be the first year that we will donate fifty cents of every ticket sold to the Connecticut Cancer Foundation. Lyman Orchards, 32 Reeds Gap Rd. Middlefield, CT, Mon.-Fri. 1 p.m.-6 p.m.; Sat.-Sun. & holidays 10 a.m.-6 p.m. Last tickets sold and entry of the day is 5:30 p.m. I can't seem to find a price.
• Red Barn Live: A Drive-In Live Music Concert, August 29 Grab your quaranteam and head to the farm for a night of live music as the sun sets! Just like a drive-in movie but instead of a film, live covers of your favorite hits will accompany you on one of the last evenings of summer. BYO food, beverages and comfy accessories to make your popped trunk, truck bed, car roof or front seats feel like box seats at Madison Square Garden. Headliner John Torres of the band Color Fields is a native of Bridgeport who grew up listening to artists like Cat Stevens, Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young, Jim Croce, and The Beatles. John began songwriting while at Carleton College in Northfield, MN, and has spent the last 3 years crafting a sound that is entirely his own. His music has been described as soulful, honest, playful, and tormented. Mr. Know It All, a classic rock band with Fairfield roots, and a great friend of the farm, will open the show at 5 p.m. with their covers of your favorite Hard Rock, Classic Rock, and 1990s bands. Parking has been set up to allow for six feet distancing between cars to ensure a safe and serene night in front of the Red Barn. We ask that everyone remain in/on their vehicles for the duration of the concert, if you do need to move about outside your cars, masks are required. Pre-registration is required and all proceeds directly benefit the farm. Red Barn at Ambler Farm, 257 Hurlbutt St. Wilton, CT, Doors open at 4 p.m., concert 5 p.m.-9 p.m., $100 per car.
• Fairfield Comedy Presents: Krystyna Hutchinson, August 29 An outdoor, live stand-up comedy at Circle Hotel's backyard. Bring your chairs, blankets, and picnic and bring your appetite for laughter. Circle Hotel Fairfield, 417 Post Rd. Fairfield, CT, 5:30 p.m. & 7:30 p.m., $25-$35
• Priam Vineyards Comedy Night, August 29 Phase out of quarantine and enjoy a safe, socially distant, outdoor comedy show. The show will take place on the spacious patio area. There will also be a tented area to accommodate safe distancing while seated, as well as the vineyard lawn. All public areas will be cleaned, wiped, and sanitized regularly as per state mandate. Come early and take advantage of food truck to enjoy dinner before the show. First glass of wine is included with the ticket. NO LIQUIDS OF ANY KIND are permitted to be brought onsite. Wine by the bottle and glass will be available to order at the bar. Seating is provided, or bring your own chair or blanket for the lawn. For more information, Priamvineyards.com Join us for an unforgettable evening of laughing and drinking, featuring some of the funniest and most talented comics from all over the northeast. The Comedy Craft Beer Tour brings the best of Northeast comedy to local breweries, wineries, and any other venue that serves alcohol throughout New England and beyond for an evening that keeps the drinks flowing, and the laughs coming. The comics have done comedy all over the globe and now bring their experiences to some of the best local venues around for an intimate evening of laughs, drinks, food, and fun. We provide the absolute funniest comedy around, featuring comics w/ television and movie credits, who perform at the major clubs and festivals throughout the country, and are some of the brightest stars of today and tomorrow. Priam Vineyards, 11 Shailor Hill Rd. Colchester, CT, 6:30-8:30, $30
• Film: "Aladdin", August 29 Enjoy classic films on the Kate’s big screen, with surround sound, in a physically distanced and safe environment. Details on what the Kate is doing to keep you safe can be found at www.thekate.org Aladdin, a street-smart commoner, pairs up with clever, confident Princess Jasmine to fight against the evil sorcerer Jafar and foil his plans of taking over the kingdom. Along the way, Aladdin learns to believe in himself...with the help of a comical, shape-shifting Genie whose three wishes can change everything. Katharine Hepburn Cultural Arts Center, 300 Main St. Old Saybrook, CT, 7pm, Adults $10, children $5.
• Drive-In Movie Night: "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban", August 29 Harry, Ron and Hermione return to Hogwarts for another magic-filled year. Harry comes face to face with danger yet again, this time in the form of escaped convict, Sirius Black, and turns to sympathetic Professor Lupin for help. Rated PG, The Shops at Farmington Valley, 110 Albany Tpke. Canton, CT, 8:45pm, $25 per car

Sunday, August 30th:

• Twilight Concerts on the Farm, August 30, Nikki Glaser Show features comedian Nikki Glaser. Nikki Glaser is one of the funniest female voices in comedy today. For over a decade at clubs across the country, and as the host of three hit podcasts, she has been honing her shockingly-honest, no-holds barred style of comedy. You can currently find Nikki flexing her over-sharing muscle as the host of Comedy Central’s first live daily morning show, YOU UP WITH NIKKI GLASER for SiriusXM, which is entirely female-produced. Nikki’s recent Netflix comedy special, BANGIN’, was released October 2019. BANGIN’ was the most watched Netflix special of the month and VULTURE included it on their “10 Best Comedy Specials of 2019” year-end list. In late January, she kicked off her nationwide comedy tour, BANG IT OUT! Previously, Nikki hosted, co-created and executive produced thecritically-acclaimedand daring comedic show, NOT SAFE WITH NIKKI GLASER, for Comedy Central and NIKKI & SARA LIVE for MTV. Nikki was a standout at the Comedy Central Roasts of Alec Baldwin, Bruce Willis and Rob Lowe, and has had memorable film and television roles in Judd Apatow’s TRAINWRECK, NBC’s AP BIO and INSIDE AMY SCHUMER, amongst others. Nikki has multiple stand-up specials and late-night tv appearances in which she jokes about her most humiliating moments as a woman in the modern world. Nikki’s past and current struggles with anorexia, depression, and anxiety are fair game in both her stand-up, and in in-depth interviews with THE HOWARD STERN SHOW, WTF WITH MARC MARON and JOE ROGAN. She has become a complete open book on mic -and not just for the laughs, she’s also adamant on being the empowering voice for women that she yearned for as a young, confused, adolescent herself. Located at South Farms, the show takes place on over 10 acres of manicured farmland. The venue boasts a beautifully structured grid layout, adhering to public health guidelines while still maintaining the intimacy of live concerts. The vast spacing and outdoor conditions (open air) help reduce potential transmission and encourage social distancing. Guests are welcome to bring lawn chairs and blankets for comfortable seating and enjoying the farm field. Outside food and beverages are prohibited. Food trucks and a full bar will be available on site. Masks are not required within the guest grid. Hand sanitizing stations will be dispersed throughout the venue. High-touch areas such as door handles, counter surfaces will be regularly and consistently disinfected throughout the show. Restrooms will be cleaned and restocked regularly throughout the show. Everyone entering the venue, including guests, artists, crew and staff will be health checked including a temperature check and short questionnaire. Presented by the Palace Theater of Waterbury, Premier Concerts and Manic Presents. South Farms, 21 Higbie Rd. Morris, CT, 5:30 & 9pm, $100,
• Dave Attell, August 30 He’s New York City’s hardest-working comic and he’s bringing a night of laughs to The Playhouse with an outdoor show on the field next to the Playhouse. Dave Attell earned a cult following with his Comedy Central hit Insomniac with Dave Attell. He has worked alongside some of the biggest names in comedy including Adam Sandler (his old friend from their NYU days) in Judd Apatow’s Funny People, he also starred alongside Amy Schumer in her hit films Trainwreck and I Feel Pretty. Dave can also be seen on HBO’s critically acclaimed series Crashing with Pete Holmes. His stand up series, Dave Attell’s Comedy Underground and his one hour special Road Work were featured on Comedy Central and Road Work is now streaming on Netflix. His film credits also include Chris Rock’s cult film Pootie Tang and his television credits include some of the best in comedy including The Simpsons, Difficult People, Bob’s Burgers, Arrested Development, The Jim Gaffigan Show, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, Inside Amy Schumer, Everybody Loves Raymond, Louie, Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn and the list goes on. Fellow comics Patton Oswalt and Bill Burr have hailed him as the greatest off-color comedian alive. He’s a master of the one-liner, and no one is safe from Dave’s comedy. Ridgefield Playhouse, 80 East Ridge Rd. 80 East Ridge, Ridgefield, CT, 7pm, $45
• Drive-In Movie Night: "Ocean's Eleven", August 30 Less than 24 hours into his parole, charismatic thief Danny Ocean is already rolling out his next plan: In one night, Danny’s hand-picked crew of specialists will attempt to steal more than $150 million from three Las Vegas casinos. But to score the cash, Danny risks his chances of reconciling with ex-wife, Tess. Rated PG-13, The Shops at Farmington Valley, 110 Albany Tpke. Canton, CT, 8:45pm, $25 per car

FIND MORE THINGS TO DO HERE, STAY SAFE, SOCIAL DISTANCE, WEAR MASKS, AND HAVE A NICE WEEKEND!

https://www.ctvisit.com/events

Hello, Hello. Here's an original rundown of the events leading to Joe Rogan's eventual departure from the Stern Show. If you've enjoyed this, check out my previous behind the scene write ups on the bottom. Thanks.
Howard is kicking off promotion for his latest book Howard Stern: Comes Again. He gives a rare candid interview with David Marchese of the New York Times. David asks Howard about his thoughts on podcasts before turning his attention to Joe Rogan. “Is there an issue between you guys?” he asks. “Yeah, there is,” Stern replies. “I was a fan of Joe’s comedy. He does a great routine about working out with weights with his buddy in the basement, and before you know it, they’re having full-on gay sex.” In typical Stern fashion, he would go on to take credit for Rogan’s success. “So I was a big proponent of his before he was a host on TV, before he got into M.M.A. fighting or whatever. I used to have him on the show...” Stern said.
It’s the year 2000. Joe Rogan had just capped off a five year stint on NewsRadio, a NBC prime time comedy. It would feature the likes of Phil Hartman, who was tragically murdered by his wife in between production of the forth and fifth season. He had also been the backstage and post-fight interviewer for the UFC, a position he’d held for 2 years before quitting. Rogan’s comedy caught the eye of Warner Bros Records, who signed him to a three album deal. Joe would go on to release “I'm Gonna Be Dead Some Day...” on CD and cassette that year. It would gain a cult following thanks to the emergence of peer to peer file sharing in the form of Napster.
The album would get frequent airtime on The Howard Stern Show, where the opening track “Getting Pumped” became a favorite of Howard and the gang. Rogan would make his first appearance on the show September 18, 2000 and talked about the sketch. “My buddy, Bryan Callen, who I did the sketch with… he and I are always doing that, we’re always playing around like that...” It wasn’t long before Howard dug up memories of Joe’s childhood. More specifically, his experience with a pedophile at the age of 12. [AUDIO] “He’s like ‘You know, I just want to tell you that I love ya. You’re a great guy… Yeah, but you know, without sex there could be no real love...’ and I went, what? I just panicked.” He also opened up about his biological father, Joe Rogan Sr. “I haven’t spoken to him since I was seven years old.” His father would attempt to contact him once he started gaining some fame. “He’s tried to do it through his mother and once through his sister… Yeah, when I got on TV. He saw my name somewhere...”
The topic then turned to the murder-suicide of fellow costar Phil Hartman. [AUDIO] “How’d you find out?” Howard asked. “I went out on a date with a girl from Hard Copy. It was a bad date. I never went out with her again. She calls me like three weeks later at like 8:30 in the morning and wakes me up. I’m like ‘What are you waking me up for?’’ She would be one to break the news to Joe. “She’s like ‘You didn’t hear?… I don’t want to be the one to tell you… Phil’s dead’. Immediately after, she’s like ‘What’s going to happen to the show?’” Joe would continue. “It gets worse. I’m in shock. I’m in a coma. I’m turning on the TV. You know, I can’t believe this. Then she goes ‘Joe, we need to get a sound byte from you.’… So I hang up the phone. I’m like ‘I got to go.’ So then the phone starts ringing, everybody’s calling, everybody heard the news, all my friends… Twenty minutes later, she calls again. ‘Joe, um, how are you? OK?’ I’m like ‘I don’t know.’ She goes ‘Listen, we need to get your address.’ I go ‘Why?’, she goes ‘We’re sending a camera crew over. We have to interview you.’”
There was also talk about an incident with another costar, Andy Dick, on the set. [AUDIO] Rogan was in his trailer along with his girlfriend when Andy came knocking. “I was getting dressed and Andy starts pounding on the door. He’s like, ‘What are you doing? What are you doing in there? Are you having sex?’ I’m like, ‘No. Dude, I'm getting dressed. Get out of here’. He’s like ‘Just open up the door. I have to tell you something.’ So I open up the door and Andy’s standing there with his unit in his hand, with his pants half down and wacking it.”
Joe was a hit. He would become a regular from that day on, even sitting in during the show. He also returned to the UFC after an ownership change, where he was promoted to color commentator. More importantly, he became host of the hottest summer show of 2001, Fear Factor. This lead to legendary on air battles with Vinnie Favale, self appointed CBS spokesperson. Vinnie was actually Vice President of CBS Late Night Programming, East Coast, but couldn’t resist any opportunity to defend the network in any capacity. The two would argue repeatedly over the success of Joe’s hit show, which happened to be on a competing network. Usually, in complete denial, Vinnie would try to spin any dispute in CBS’ favor. The host of Fear Factor laid into him during an argument in the summer of ‘01. [AUDIO] “You’re a company man. This is sad. You’re the kind of guy that gets fired from his job and blows his brains out because you believe that everything revolves around your company. You are sucked in. ‘We’re going to kick your asses.’ It's not even you! You’re not even doing anything. You have nothing to do with Survivor. You have nothing to do with the programming. You have nothing to do with the success of it” he said. Their clashes would be a staple of Best Of in the early 2000’s.
However, the relationship between Joe and the show would come to an end in 2004. Stern would go on during that 2019 New York Times Interview. “Joe was a guest one time and I said something to him off the air, which I won’t go into, but he took offense. I haven’t heard or seen him since. I think he made the decision that I was toxic for him. But I hold no grudge.”
On the May 4, 2009 show, the Stern Show would discuss the controversy in some detail. [AUDIO] Howard kicks off the conversation with some tape he has from the previous night. “… So I told you Joe had some problem with me, so he discussed it with Greg Fitzsimmons.” “He wont discuss it with us?” Robin asks. “No, and you know, I remember the exact incident and everything and I knew this is what it was,” Howard says.
Joe would explain his version of events on Fitzsimmons show. “Well, I kind of explained it the last time I was here but, I just try to avoid drama, you know? He said something about me on the air that I didn’t like… He said I hate women and I was like, come on man, really? He said something about us being in a strip club, where we were all in a strip club, and he said, you know… He had did a thing in Vegas and he had hired out a whole section of this strip club. It was pretty bad ass... I remember I was really high and when I’m really high, I can’t get lap dances. It just weirds me out. It’s just too freaky. You can feel this person really doesn’t want to do this, this is their job, then you start thinking about their past. So anyway, he starts saying that I said to them ‘Get away, whores’, which I’d never say. It’s just not true… For me, first of all, it’s like I'm going to have to defend that and whenever you’re defending something like that, it always automatically looks like you’re being defensive because it’s bullshit.” Joe continued, making sure to be clear there were no hard feelings. “I don’t want to even be involved and I just said, I'll just be a fan again… and I listen all the time.”
Howard would shoot back. “I’ll tell you the whole story and Joe’s right. It’s better that Joe doesn’t come on again because he’s building this thing up. You know, first of all, I’m somebody who has guests on and I try to make them comfortable when they’re on the show and I try to be a good interviewer and I also try to, you know, create something. We were in Vegas. Joe showed up to a strip club. It wasn’t my event. I was at a strip club. They had invited us over, am I correct? We were there. I think one of our guys was making an appearance there...
“… Maybe Joe was high or something. He was saying shit about some of the strippers and I said to him on the air that it seems like you’re angry with women. You know, you were just kind of pissed off. He was hateful, you know. You can make the same statements about me about what I do for a living…
“… He was saying stuff to me about the women… He seemed angry and I said to him sometimes it seems like you’re angry with women. What was going on that night? I don’t think he wanted that out there or as he says he didn’t say it or maybe I misheard it…”
Gary would jump into the studio and add his own version of events. “I always thought it was about something I talked about on the radio. Maybe it is something different. I remember we went out one night… We walked into the strip club and Joe goes ‘These girls are all fucking, you know, God, they’re all fucking damaged. I fucking hate these chicks. I’m not even going to get a lap dance,’” Gary said.
Howard would continue and even for a moment, he would second guess himself. “I didn’t mean it as a whole intellectual… I thought Joe would say ‘Hey, Howard. Come on, man. I was tired...’ or you know we’d have some interesting conversation about it but Joe took it really personally and I understand that he did. Now in retrospect, maybe I’m looking at it and going...” but Gary wouldn’t let his boss show weakness. “I don’t know Howard. I think he’s overreacting.” Gary would continue, “We did a lot of good things for him. We had him on the show. You know, we helped him out a lot in a lot of ways. I think at one point I had a discussion with his manager and he’s like ‘You know, if Howard was a friend he would never had said it’ and I said ‘Well, if Joe was a friend, he would have asked about it and discussed it instead of just never talking about it.’”
Howard would end the segment questioning Rogan’s version of events with his own evidence. “According to our show log, it shows that Gary was the one who said Joe called the girls whores. I had also heard Joe saying some stuff and I said to Joe ‘Joe, sometimes it seems like you were angry that night with women’ and I wanted him to talk about it on the air but I guess it was a road he didn’t want to go down.”
The day in question is February 7, 2002. The Stern Show is broadcasting from the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas on delay. Joe Rogan was the first guest on their opening day. Howard got into a discussion about the previous night.
[AUDIO]

Howard: … then we went over to Club Paradise, the strip club. Then I figured I'd just walk in there and not know anyone. Everyone was there from the show.
Artie: Well I had a big appearance there.
Howard: Yeah, Artie had an appearance there and Stuttering John has one there tonight, but Joe Rogan, you try to act like you’re above the strip club.
Joe Rogan: No. What are you talking about? How am I trying to act like I'm above it?
Howard: You’re always like, ‘Ah, these girls [mumbles incoherently]’
Joe Rogan: What? They’re hot. What are you talking about?
Howard: Yeah.
Joe Rogan: No such thing.
Howard: Alright, I thought… then I just see you sitting there.
Joe Rogan: What are you talking about? You’re making this up.
Gary: Joe uses the word whore about 20 times an hour.
Howard: Yeah, he says ‘these whores’, this, that, and the other.
Joe Rogan: I don’t say it like that. I don’t say it that way. I say it in an affectionate way.
Howard: I think you’re angry with women.
Robin: Well, he does that whole routine about the girls who are angry because he’s using a dollar to get them to take off their clothes.
Howard: That is a good routine…
Stuttering John: …When we were at the pool Howard, you know, Joe looks at me and he goes ‘Look, these are lower shelf hookers here tonight’.
Joe Rogan: That was the first crew.
Howard: They were lovely ladies.
Joe Rogan: Oh, stop Howard. That first crew was rough. Mr. Miyagi with the fake boobs.
Howard: You think because a girl takes her clothes off and dances that she’s a whore?
Joe Rogan: No, not all of them.
Stuttering John: Bottom shelf whores is what he said. That’s what it was.
Joe Rogan: The first crew…
Club Paradise Stripper: Look at you, you Fear Factor guy. You’re just paranoid with women.
Joe Rogan: You’re hot. You girls are hot. I’m not talking about you.
Club Paradise Stripper: Look at you. You were so mean yesterday. You were mean.
Joe Rogan: Mean to who? How was I mean? To you?

The moment ended up being rather uneventful. In fact, this wouldn’t be Joe’s last appearance on the show. He would stop by the studio several more times, most notably on September 22, 2003. Joe is in the studio to promote Fear Factor, The Man Show, and UFC. In what may or may not be a coincidence, there is a woman in the green room waiting to play Stump the Booey who just so happens to have slept with Joe Rogan.
Gary would burst into he studio while Joe was on the couch. “You know, there’s something really weird. We have these girls that are coming on next segment. They’re playing Stump the Booey against me. They’re twins. One of the girls heard Joe on and she’s like ‘ Oh, I have a story about Joe.’”
Her name was Crystal. [AUDIO] “He was my first one night stand,” she said. Joe would vaguely remember the two hooking up many years ago. What she said next would nearly have Joe’s eyes popping out of his head. “… After that wonderful one night stand, I got pregnant,” she announced to millions of radio listeners. Joe was in a state of shock as it was the first time he was hearing the news. “How old is your son or daughter?” Howard asked. “I never kept it,” she replied. The news would send Joe into frenzy, as if Maury Povich himself had opened up an envelope with the DNA results. “Thank you, Jesus!” Rogan screamed. Howard asked Joe if he was nervous that she was going to bring the kid in. “Well, it was a little creepy right there for a moment,” he replied.
Crystal would then go on to talk about her decision to have an abortion. Joe would interrupt. “I’m so nervous right now. My heart is skipping.” Howard asks “What scares you most about that? The fact that you have a kid, that you have to pay… what would scare you the most? Joe didn’t hesitate. “It’s that I would be connected to someone that I really don’t know for the rest of my life and I’d have to deal with her every time I wanted to see the kid, if I wanted to see the kid.” He then admitted it wasn’t even his first abortion predicament. “The other time was when I was 23. It was a girl I was dating”
Fast forwarding to 2004, we find what might have been Joe’s last straw with the show. While previously citing show logs during that 2009 discussion, Howard would make the claim he never made the “Get away, whores” comment. Instead, he would place the blame on Gary. However, a discussion that took place on September 22, 2004 would prove that statement to be false. Comedienne Bonnie McFarlane had stopped by the show and sat in for the news. She was once a writer for The Man Show when it was hosted by Rogan and Doug Stanhope. [AUDIO] While discussing Rogan, Howard would go on to say, “Joe hates women… Joe’s weird. I’ve gone to strip clubs with him and he’s like ‘get away from me, whore.’” Robin would continue the onslaught. “… Even when we were in Vegas together and there were stripper dancers, he was yelling all kinds of horrible things. I was like ‘these women aren’t doing anything to you. Why are you screaming at them?’” They would continue with allegations of Joe yelling at the Juggies, a nickname given to the Man Show dancers. Bonnie would go on to say Joe was the biggest supporter of the Juggies, often yelling at the director for his treatment of the females. However, he would usually follow that up with yelling of his own.
Around 2007, a topic on the incident would appear on the mma.tv message boards. Rogan himself would reply to the allegations. It would be the most detailed version of events during this whole controversy.
“… my problem with Howard's version of the story is that it's complete horseshit. I never said ‘get away whores’ to anyone. We were at a party that they were throwing for the show, and there were a lot of pretty strippers, but there were also a lot of unattractive, aggressive ones that were trying to get guys to buy lapdances. Howard, and some of the other guys were getting them, and I didn't want one. The girls were pushy, and all I kept saying is ‘no thanks.’ Somehow, that got turned into ‘get away, whores’ when he got on the radio.
“Howard likes drama, real or created. It makes for good radio. That's all well and good, but I choose not to be put on the defensive for something that I never did. Also, I've got a real pet peeve with the whole ‘you hate women’ tag. It's a weak line that people will throw around to try to define someone, often if they don't like or have a problem with dumb or obnoxious chicks. If you have a problem with dumb dudes, no one ever says that ‘you hate men,’ but you get in one argument with a pushy cunt and that's the cop out they'll always try to use. It's like a lazy black guy that gets reprimanded at work for doing a shitty job, and he cries that the reason he's getting in trouble is because the boss doesn't like black people.
“When you've got a guy that you respect and admire, and you've done his show a bunch of times you think that you're friends. Then, when that guy turns on you and talks shit about you, especially shit that's not true, it's a gross feeling. I'm a loyal friend, and that shit means a lot to me.
“If I had a friend outside of show business and he gave a distorted account of me like that, I would stop hanging around with him, and I wouldn't trust him anymore. I treat my friends in show business the same way I treat my friends in real life.
“As for Howard, I have no ill feelings. I was always a huge fan of the show, and it was an honor to be on it. When I decided to avoid doing the show after this, I started doing Opie and Anthony, and I really enjoyed their show. Jim Norton is a buddy of mine from way back when we both were starting out as stand ups, and I really fucking love being on that show. Plus, I think Norton is the funniest guy on radio. I'll probably do Stern again sometime, I just thought that whole situation was really weak, and I didn't want to be a part of it...
“I still listen to Stern all the time, and I think it's a great show. I've always considered him to be the Johnny Carson of my era. In past eras it was HUGE to get on the tonight show with Johnny and have him ask you to sit on the couch. In my generation, it's Stern. He's the King for a reason. No hate, I just don't feel like being a part of the kind of shit I described….”
Joe would copy and paste his response on the Official Joe Rogan Forum along with a small update:
“ In reading the post back after flying across the Atlantic Ocean (on my way to UFC in Belfast) I had time to think about it, and I think there definitely could be a very convincing argument that I had sand in my vagina when I made it, but I did make it, so i left it up.
“I'm certainly not trying to get in some sort of a battle with a guy that's helped me out, and a guy that I respect very much….”
Joe Rogan would go on to be very complimentary of Stern in the following years. Even when Howard would go on to attack close friend Ari Shaffir about the legitimacy of podcasts, Rogan would continue to show his appreciation for the self appointed King of All Media.
Vinny Favale would continue to take shots at Rogan after his show absence. In a conversation that would take place on March 9, 2005, Gary would question Vinny’s expertise on everything network TV. “I was watching Fear Factor in syndication yesterday on UPN and you told Joe Rogan that show was done, it had a few months left, and it was over”. Vinny, notorious for being the ultimate company man responded, “That show is not a hit though… Where is Joe Rogan? You don’t see him anywhere”.
Rogan would go on to be on of the most listened to voices in the world with the Joe Rogan Experience podcast. Vinny Favale would later be pushed out of CBS after allegations of misconduct, which included talking to fellow employees about his erections. New Late Show host Stephen Colbert would distance himself from the creator of the infamous Debbie tapes. “He [Favale] basically came with the building when I got this show...”

If you've enjoyed this, I've also written other original behind the scene rundowns of moments in show history:

• The Story of Double A: From Grand Jury Indictment to Stern Show Outcast.
• The Story Of Robin's Intern and the SiriusXM Class Action Lawsuit: "I Was Injured Getting Howard His Fruit Salad..."
• The Story of Howard vs. CBS: Complete Breakdown of the 2006 Lawsuit.
• The Story of Steve Langford: Kicked Out Before He Could Leave
• The Story of Teddy "Microphone": How an eBay auction led to his Stern Show exit.
• The Story Behind Howard playing the Scarecrow in Batman 5.
• Story of Sussy: The HowardTV member who left the show to ride a bike and eventually start his own farming business.
• "Jane": A breakdown of Howard's 1997 sophomore movie that never was, starring Melanie Griffith.

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Tiling Service
Tire Dealer & Repair Shop
Tobacco Company
Tobacco Store
Tools/Equipment
Tour Agency
Tour Guide
Tourist Information Center
Towing Service
Toy Store
Trade School
Traffic School
Train Station
Transit Stop
Transit System
Translator
Transportation Service
Travel & Transportation
Travel Agency
Travel Company
Travel Service
Tree Cutting Service
Trophies & Engraving Shop
Tuscan Restaurant
TutoTeacher
Tv Channel
Tv Network
Tv Season
Tv Show
Tv/Movie Award
Uniform Supplier
Urban Farm
Urologist
Vacation Home Rental
Vegetarian/Vegan Restaurant
Veterinarian
Video
Video Creator
Video Game
Video Game Store
Vietnamese Restaurant
Vintage Store
Visual Arts
Vitamin Supplement Shop
Vitamins/Supplements
Waste Management Company
Water Heater Installation & Repair Service
Water Park
Water Treatment Service
Water Utility Company
Waxing Service
Web Designer
Website
Wedding Planning Service
Wedding Venue
Weight Loss Center
Well Water Drilling Service
Whisky Bar
Wholesale & Supply Store
Wholesale Bakery
Wholesale Grocer
Wig Store
Wildlife Sanctuary
Window Installation Service
Wine Bar
Wine, Beer & Spirits Store
Wine/Spirits
Winery/Vineyard
Women's Clothing Store
Women's Health Clinic
Work Position
Workplace & Office
Writer
Writing Service
Yoga Studio
Youth Organization
Zoo